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Гостевая книга

 

 

The Little Collection of Humour

 

Teacher: Randy, if you put your hand in one pants pocket and found 75 cents, then you put your other hand in your other pants pocket and found 50 cents, what would you have?

Randy: I'd have somebody else's pants on!

 

Student: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test

Teacher: Neither do I, but it's the lowest grade I can give you!

 

Teacher: Billy, name five things that contain milk.

Billy: Butter, cheese, ice cream, and um... two cows!

 

Willie, with a thirst for gore,

Nailed his sister to the door.

Mother said, with humor quaint:

"Now Willie dear,

don't scratch the paint!"

 

Cathy had a little car

And it was painted red.

And everywhere that Cathy went

The cops picked up the dead!!

 

A man was seated in the movie house with his arm around a large dog sitting in the seat next to him. The dog was clearly enjoying the picture, even yelping at the funny parts. A man sitting behind them leaned over and said,

"Excuse me, sir, but I can't get over your dog's behavior!"

The man with the dog turned around and said, "Frankly, it surprises me too. He hated the book."

 

Judge: Does the defendant realize that he was driving down a one-way street?

Defendant: I was driving only one way, your honor!

Judge: Didn't you see the arrows?

Defendant: Arrows? I didn't even see the Indians!

 

Newsitem: The police have been looking for a suspect with one eye.

Letter to editor: Wouldn't the police have a better chance of catching him if they used two eyes?

 

While out walking on the African veld one day, a missionary suddenly came face to face with a lion. Thinking that his situation was hopeless, he sank to his knees in prayer, but then became greatly relieved when the lion got down on his knees beside him.

"Dear brother lion," said the missionary, "how heartening it is to find you joining me in Christian prayer when a few moments ago I feared for my life!"

"Don't interrupt," growled the lion, "while I'm saying grace!"

 

Newsflash: The police ar looking for a man with one eye called Bernie.

Caller: What's the other eye called?

 

Newsflash: The police want a tall handsome man for assaulting women.

Caller. I'm interested. What does the job pay?

 

What's green and crawly and has 100 legs?

A centipickle!

 

What do you get when you put a canary in a blender?

Shredded tweet.

 

Holdup man to cashier: "The movie was terrible. Give me everybody's money back!"

 

Susie: Mommy, the new boy next door broke my doll!

Mom: That's too bad, dear. How did it happen?

Susie: I hit him over the head with it!

 

Mother: Well, Timmy, how did you get along with Dad while I was away?

Timmy: Just fine, Mother. Every morning he took me down to the lake in the boat and made me swim back.

Mother: MY, that's a long swim, isn't it?

Timmy: Oh, I made it all right. The only trouble I really had was getting out of the bag.

 

Man: My wife's leaving for the West Indies.

Friend: Jamaica?

Man: No. It was her own idea.

 

Man: I got a brand new sports car for my wife.

Friend: No kidding. How'd you ever get the dealer to make a trade like that?

 

Why did the chicken cross the road?

There was a rooster on the other side.

 

Man: Who was that lady I saw you with?

Friend: That was no lady...that was my brother-in-law. He just walks that way!

 

Nurse: Doctor, there's an invisible man in the waiting room.

Doctor: Tell him I can't see him.

 

Customer: Do you have talcum powder?

Pharmacist: Yes sir. Please walk this way.

Customer: If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the talcum powder!

 

Judge: I'm afraid I'll have to have you locked up for the night.

Defendant: What's the charge?

Judge: There's no charge. It's part of the service.

 

Judge: I find the defendant innocent.

Defandant: Does that mean I can keep the moeny?

 

Mom: We can't keep a horse in the house. Think of the smell.

Son: Don't worry. They'll get used to it!

 

Friend: Gee, you smell good. What have you got on?

David: Clean socks.

 

First guy: Say, are you warm from the sun?

Second guy: No, I'm Smith from the Times.

 

Patient: Doc, I have trouble falling asleep at night.

Doctor: Well, just lie on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.

 

It was an amazing coincidence that all three of the daughters in the Potato family came home on the same day to announce that they were going to get married. Father was surprised and figured that he had just better sit down with each girl in order to make sure that they had selected a proper mate.

Calling on his eldest daughter first, they retired to Dad's den.

"So, daughter, tell me about this special guy in your life," said Dad

"Oh, Daddy," gushed his daughter, "I'm so happy! Jimmy Mashedpotato has asked me to marry him and I said yes."

"Well, that's wonderful," said Father. "Jimmy is a wonderful boy and the Mashedpotato family is very respected in our community. You have my blessings."

Calling in his second daughter, Mr. Potato repeated the question he had posed to the eldest. "Oh, Pop," gushed daughter number two, "Eddie Sweetpotato asked me to marry him today and I'm so happy!"

"Well," replied her father, "that's wonderful. Eddie is a nice young man and the Sweetptotato family is very influential. You have my blessings."

Calling in his youngest, Pop Potato was feeling good about the choices his other two daughters had made, and so without hesitation, he once again asked about the young man in her life. "Oh, Dad," gushed daughter number three. "I'm just so excited. Dan Rather has asked me to marry him and I said yes."

"Dan Rather?" exploded her father. "Dan Rather? You can't marry

Rather...he's just a commentator!"

 

An American couple is visiting Russia for the first time, and while in Moscow, they decide to hire a guide. Using the telephone book, it didn't take them long to hire a tour guide, a young man named Rudolph. The tour began at the Kremlin, proceded to the Bolshoi, and then on to Red Square.

Just after they'd arrived at the square, it began to drizzle a little and Rudolph commented, "It's starting to rain. Perhaps we should return to your hotel."

"No," said the husband. "It is only snowing. Let's continue the tour."

Rudolph again insisted that it was raining and the husband again argued that it was snowing. Two or three more comments about the weather passed before the little woman poked her husband in the ribs and whispered, "Better let him have his way. This is Russia and Rudolph the red knows rain, dear!"

 

Jane: Am I too late for the garbage?

Garbage man: No, ma'am. Hop right in!

 

Rick: How was your vacation at the beach?

Dick: Terrible. It was so dull that on the third day the tide went out and never came back!

 

Jim: Joe is really lazy.

Slim: You're right. I wish he'd at least learn a trade so we'd know just what kind of work he's out of!

 

Mike: Call me a doctor!

Ike: Why, are you very sick?

Mike: No, I just graduated from medical school!

 

What's the easiest way to catch a fish?

Get someone to throw one to you.

 

Sam: What a smart dog to be able to play poker with you!

Fran: Not really. Whenever he gets a good hand, he wags his tail.

 

Bob: Every day my dog and I go for a tramp in the woods.

Rob: The dog must enjoy that.

Bob: He sure does, but I think the tramp is getting a little tired of it.

 

Ron: I only gamble for laughs.

Don: Me too. Last week I laughed away my car.

 

Mom: Did you have a good time at the zoo today, Junior?

Junior: Yes I did. Dad liked it too. Especially when one of the animals came in at twenty-to-one!

 

When Noah told the animals to go forth and multiply, why did the snakes disobey?

Because they were adders.

 

Nurse: Have your eyes been checked recently?

Patient: No, they've always been solid blue.

 

Boss: That man next to you is doing twice as much work as you are!

Joe: I know that, sir. I keep telling him, but he won't slow down!

 

Patient: My leg hurts.

Doctor: Have you had this pain before?

Patient: Yes.

Doctor: Well, you've got it again.

 

Thief: Stick 'em down!

Cashier: Don't you mean stick 'em up?

Thief: Oh! No wonder I haven't made any money today!

 

Jake: I've formed a new musical quartet with three other carpenters.

Ed: What do you call yourselves?

Jake: The Tuba Fours.

 

Mike: I hear that you went fishing last week. Did you get anything?

Sid: Yep. Sunburned and mosquito bites.

 

Paul: You're welcome to stay with me overnight, but you'll have to make your own bed.

Saul: That's no problem.

Paul: OK, here's a hammer and saw.

 

Did you hear about the guy who's in Leavenworth because he was making big money?

Yep, about a third of an inch too big.

 

A patient scheduled to undergo mouth surgery confided his most horrible fears to a nurse. "Will I die? Will I be disfigured? I don't know what's going to happen," he said to her.

"Don't worry," the pretty nurse said. "Your surgeon is a specialist and you'll receive the best of care."

"You're right," the patient responded. "I'll probably laugh about my fears after the surgery."

"Laugh?" the nurse scoffed. "With no lips?"

 

The M.D. got a call from a very excited woman. "Doctor! Doctor! My dog just swallowed 30 Bufferins. What should I do?"

The doctor answered, "Give him a headache."

 

Did you hear about the very nervous surgeon that was just fired from the hospital down city? It wasn't so much all of the patients he lost as much as it was the deep gashes he kept leaving in the operating table.

 

And then there was the very rich socialite who sent her pet poodle to Berlitz to learn a foreign language. Her friends all said, "Don't be foolish. A dumb animal can't learn a foreign language."

The dog looked up, arched his back and said, "Meow!"

 

A poodle and a shaggy boxer found themselves sharing a kennel while their respective owners went on vacation. On the second day, the Boxer asked the Poodle for her name. The Poodle replied that her name was FiFi and then asked the Boxer for his name. "I'm not sure," replied the energetic dog, "but I think it's Downboy!"

 

What meal do cannibals make from politicians?

Bologna sandwiches.

 

What kind of party did the friends of the female vampire give her before her wedding?

A blood bath.

 

How do cannibals cook politicians?

In a crock pot!

 

As a golfer teed up at precisely his reserved time, he was tapped on the shoulder. The intruder handed him a note which read, "I am deaf and mute. Please let me play through."

"This is MY tee-off time," the golfer bellowed, shaking his head vigorously. "Your handicap doesn't entitle you to play through!" Then he proceeded to drive his ball straight down the fairway.

"Nice shot," the fellow's caddie said as they headed off the tee, leaving the deaf-mute fuming.

While lining up his next shot, the golfer was struck on the head by a ball.

Turning around angrily, he spotted the deaf-mute holding up his hand. "What is he doing?" asked the golfer, squinting into the sun.

"I believe he's holding up four fingers," the caddie replied!

 

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer can take his wing-tips off.

 

How do relgious fanatics chase away agnostic neighbors?

They burn question marks on their lawn.

 

Did you ever wonder - most nights we go to bed when we aren't a bit sleepy, but we get up the next morning and we're dead tired?

 

John: I get very nervous the way you drive around those sharp turns.

Sue: Just do what I do - close your eyes!

 

Joe: My father had two horses that looked so much alike that he measured them so he could tell them apart.

Ed: Did that help?

Joe: It sure did.  He found that the white one was 6 inches shorter than the black one.

 

Joe: You're looking for a new cashier? I thought you'd just hired one!

Edna: I did - that's the one I'm looking for!

 

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

You'd take your shoes off first to jump on a trampoline!

 

Why was the new shortstop like Cinderella?

He ran away from the ball.

 

Little League Vampire: What's the best way to hold a bat, Dad?

Father Vampire: By the wings, son.

 

It was the new pitcher's first game on the mound, and he was not having a good day. After his third straight walk, the manager came out to the mound.

"That's enough," said the manager. "I'm bringing in a relief pitcher."

"But, look who's up to bat," said the pitcher. "The last time this guy was up, I struck him out!"

"I know," replied the manager, "but that was this same inning!"

 

Doctor: What happened to you?

Patient: I went camping with a baseball player.

Doctor: What's that got to do with your black eye?

Patient: I told him to pitch the tent, and he did!

 

What is a pigskin for?

To hold a pig together.

 

How is an airline pilot like a football player?

They both like to make safe touchdowns.

 

What should a fullback do when he gets a handoff?

Go to a secondhand store.

 

Why did the football player do a commercial for shampoo?

He was troubled by split-ends.

 

What's green, has bumps and plays football?

The Green Bay Pickles.

 

Dad: How'd you do in the game today, son?

Son: I made a ninety-two yard run.

Dad: That's terrific!

Son: Not really.  I couldn't catch the guy I was chasing.

 

What's black and white and sticky all over?

A referee who fell in the sugar bowl.

 

What is a cheerleader's favorite color?

Yeller.

 

What's black and white and green all over?

A referee that fell in the Gator Bowl.

 

Only 13 seconds were left in the big football game. The home team was ahead by three points and had possession of the ball. The quarterback threw a pass to one of the first year receivers who caught it, then dropped it. The opposing team recovered the ball and went on to score the winning touchdown.

 

Asked how he felt about the defeat, the losing coach said, "Well, that's how the rookie fumbles!"

 

Jack: How'd you break your arm?

Zed: I was playing football with a telephone booth.

Jack: What?

Zed: Yeah - I was trying to get my quarter back!

 

Why was Cinderella such an awful basketball player?

Because she had a pumpkin for a coach.

 

Why did the retired basketball player become a judge?

So he could stay on the court.

 

What is Wilt the Stilt's middle name?

The.

 

Reproter: Do you like all of your players to be tall coach?

Basketball Coach: A player's height isn't important to me as long as his ears pop when he sits down.

 

Teacher: Johnny, name the four seasons.

Johnny: Football, basketball, baseball and soccer.

 

Fan (arriving late): What's the score?

Friend: Eight to five.

Fan: Who's winning?

Friend: Eight.

 

First fan:  Did you hear about the wrestler whose nose ran and feet smelled?

Second fan: No, what was wrong with him?

First fan: He was built upside down!

 

Manager to wrestler:  How'd you ever get out of that hold he had you in?

Wrestler:  Well, I saw this finger sticking out, so I bit it. Then I got really mad because my finger hurt so bad!

 

Manager: Would you like to join me in a cup of coffee?

Wrestler: Gosh, Coach, I don't think we'll both fit!

 

Is it proper to eat a hamburger with your fingers?

No - you should eat your fingers separately.

 

Where do hamburgers go on New Year's Eve?

To a meat ball.

 

How do you make meat loaf?

Send it on vacation.

 

How many brunettes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but she's got all Saturday night alone to do it.

 

Did you hear about the boy that does bird impressions?

He eats worms...

 

A country boy was being interviewed for a job on a neighbor's farm.  "Ya gotta be fit to work on my farm," said the farmer.  "Have ya had any illnesses?"

"Nope," said the boy.

"Have ya had any accidents?"

"Nope."

"But you walked in here on crutches," said the farmer. "Surely you musta had an accident?"

"Oh, that!  I were tossed by a bull last week, but 'twarn't no accident - he done it on purpose!"

 

Pat and Mike bought two horses at a sale in County Cork, but the two horses looked so much alike that Pat said to Mike, "How are we gonna tell whose horse is whose?"

"We'll bob the tail of one of "em," said Mike.

By mistake the tails on both horses were bobbed, so Pat asked Mike what he thought they should do now.

"I'm going to need to think on this one," said Mike. "Until I can figure out what to do, you take the white one and I'll take the black."

 

I call my dog camera because he's always snapping.

 

My neighbor has a neurotic dog.  I think it's because he named his dog Stay.  Every afternoon I hear the guy calling, "Here, Stay.  Here, Stay!"

 

What do you do with a dog with no legs?  Take him for a drag.

 

What do you call a dog with no legs?  Nothing - he can't come anyway.

 

Did you hear about the kid that was so ugly his parents had to tie a pork chop around his neck to get the dog to play with him?

 

A huge lion was roaring his way through the thick jungle when he came upon a mouse in his way.  He stopped and snarled at the small animal ferociously, "You're very small."

"Well," said the mouse piteously, "I've been quite ill!"

 

"Dad, what would happen if I stole that little pony over there?"

"You'd go to prison, son."

"You wouldn't forget to feed him while I was gone, would you?"

 

"Mom, do you water a horse when he's thirsty?"

"That's right."

"Then I'm going to milk the cat."

 

"Louisa, did you change the water in the goldfish bowl yet?"

"No, Mom.  They haven't finished drinking what's in there yet."

 

"My dog's got no nose!"

"That's too bad.  How does he smell?"

"Terrible!"

 

"Have you ever seen a man-eating tiger?"

"No, but in a restaurant one day I saw a man eating chicken!"

 

Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side in an accident?

Now he's all right!

 

How did the leper stop the card game?

He threw his hand in.

 

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair.

 

An old man went to the doctor.

"Doctor," he said, "you've got to help me. Every morning at 6, I pass water and move my bowels."

"So, what's wrong with that?" queried the doctor.

"You don't understand. I don't get up until 9."

 

Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his work.

 

Why did they have to call off the leper's hockey game?

There was a face-off in the corner.

 

How do you get a hanky to dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

 

Did you hear about the new line of designer jeans called "Crisco"?

They're for the woman with a little fat in the can.

 

How many redneck's does it take to eat a possum?

Three. One to eat the possum and two to watch for cars.

 

Joe: I paid my income taxes this morning.

Ed: Oh yeah?  How'd it go?

Joe: Okay, I guess.  The only thing I can compare it to is the way a cow must feel just after milking time.

 

Jim: So, Sam, how'd you do in Las Vegas?

Sam: Very well!  I went there in a $10,000 automobile and came home in a $20,000 bus.

 

What do you get if you cross a karate expert with a pig?

A pork chop.

 

Why did the basketball wear a bib?

So it wouldn't dribble.

 

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick.

 

What do you get when you cross a computer with a track-and-field star?

A floppy discus thrower.

 

If Elvis were to appear on stage tomorrow, how would he do?

He'd stink.

 

Two nuns were driving down a desolate highway when they ran out of remembered that they had passed a gas station just a few miles back so they started the tiresome walk back. Once back at the gas station, the nuns explained their problem and asked for some gas and a can to put it in. The attendant explained that they no longer loaned out gas cans as travelers so often failed to return them. The nuns asked him if he had any suggestions and the gas jockey pointed to a trash heap out behind the garage, suggesting that the nuns might find something there in which to carry the fuel back to their car.

 

After rummaging through the trash for quite some time, the only thing the nuns could find in which to put some gas was an old baby's training potty.

Filling the potty with gas, they made the long walk back to their car.

About this time, a drunk happened along and saw this sight on the side of the road. He slammed on the brakes, slid to a stop, jumped out and staggered over to the nuns. Not saying a word, he watched as they poured from the potty into the tank.

 

Just as the nuns were about to start the car, the drunk straightened up and exclaimed..."Lordie me, Sisters - you sure got more faith than I got!"

 

A moron working on a road crew was instructed by his foreman to dig a hole next to the roadway. "But, what will I do with the dirt?" asked the moron.

 

"Don't be stupid," said his boss. "just dig another hole and bury it!"

 

A lady is playing the piano in her lving room when there comes a knock on the door. Opening the door, the lady discovers a man in coveralls, carrying a tool box. "Yes?" she responds questioningly.

I'm the piano tuner," he replies.

"But, I didn't call for a piano tuner."

"I know. Your neighbors did."

 

The boss calls his new employee into his office. "I'm giving you a week's notice. You're fired."

"But I haven't done anything," complained the worker.

"I know," said the boss, "and that's why you're fired."

 

What are hippies for?

To keep your leggies up.

 

What goes up a drainpipe down, but can't go down a drainpipe up?

An umbrella.

 

Why couldn't they sell soda-pop at the double-header?

Because the home-team lost the opener.

 

Ron: Mom, is it correct to say that we're going to "water the horse" when we want to give him a drink?

Mom: Yes, Son, why do you ask?

Ron: Because I'm going to milk the cat.

 

What did the lion say to his friend when he saw two hunters drive by in a Jeep?

"Aha! Meals on wheels!"

 

First kid: I've lost my dog.

Second kid: Why not put an ad in the paper?

First kid: Don't be silly. He can't read.

 

Man at an auction to auctioneer: I've bid a great deal of money for this parrot. Are you sure he talks?

Auctioneer: Of course. Who do you think has been bidding against you?

 

Mom: Louisa, have you changed the water in the fish bowl?

Louisa: No, Mom, they haven't finished what's in there yet.

 

First man: Have you ever seen a man eating tiger?

Second man: No, but in a restaurant once, I saw a man eating chicken!

 

All the animals in the jungle decided to form themselves into football teams and play a knockout competition. Over a period of several months, dozens and dozens of teams played each other until the great day dawned or the final match to decide the championship. It was a fast, hard-hitting game. Thousands of animals from miles and miles around had gathered to watch the great event and everyone was shouting with excitement.

 

The score was seven all and time was running out when Alexander Ant went scorching down the middle. It looked as if he was just about to score when Elias Elephant, from the defending team, squashed Alexander flat as a pancake. The referee - Claude Camel - blew his whistle and came running over.

 

"You've killed him!" he said to Elias. "That means a penalty - and I'll have to send you out of the game."

 

"But, I didn't mean to kill him," pleaded the distraught elephant. "I was just trying to trip him!"

 

First boy: Would you like to play with our new dog?

Second boy: I don't know. He looks kinda fierce - does he bite?

First boy: I'm not sure - that's what I'm trying to find out!

 

First boy: We just got a dog!

Second boy: What's your new dog's name?

First boy: I don't know - he won't tell me!

 

A man went into a pet shop to buy a parrot. He was shown an especially fine one which he liked the look of, but he was puzzled by the two strings, one tied to each foot.

"What are they for?" he asked the pet shop owner.

"Ah, well," came the reply, "that's a very unusual feature of this particular parrot. You see - he's a trained parrot - used to be in a circus. If you pull the string on his right foot, he says 'Hello!' and if you pull the string on his left foot, he says 'Good-bye'!"

"That's very interesting," said the customer. "And what if I pull both strings at the same time?"

The parrot screeched, "I fall off my perch, you damn fool!"

 

The patient is in the doctor's office, obviously distraught. "Doctor, my hair is falling out. Can you give me something to keep it in?"

The doctor responded, "How about a paper bag?"

 

The doctor is speaking to one of his patients on the phone. "So, how is that cold of yours doing? Did you take the hot bath and the medicine I prescribed for you?"

The patient responds, "Well, I'm not doing too good, Doc. I took the hot bath you recommended, but by the time I finished that, I didn't have any room for the medicine."

 

Joe: My doctor told me to give up golf?

Jim: Why? Bad heart?

Joe: No. He looked at my scorecard.

 

As the doctor approached the young boy to give him an injection, the boy cried out.

"What's the matter?" asked the doctor. "I haven't even touched you yet."

"You're standing on my foot!"

 

A near-sighted man went to the doctor for advice about his vision and the doctor told him to eat eight carrots a day. The guy came back to the doctor three months later to complain about the diet.

"Last night, said the patient, "I went out to my garden. It was very dark and I fell down and sprained my arm."

"Couldn't you see well enough?" asked the doctor.

"I could see just fine - I tripped over my ears."

 

Doctor: Please - step on the scales. Look here on the chart. You're overweight.

Patient (pointing to a different place on the chart): No, I'm not. I'm just 6 inches too short!

 

This guy goes to the doctor because he's not sleeping too well. After examining him, the doctor advises him that he's suffering from stress and that he should go away for two weeks for some change and some rest. So the guy goes away for two weeks, then returns to report in to the doctor.

"Well," asked the doctor, "did the change and rest do you any good?"

"Not much," said the disgruntled patient. "The doorman got my change and the hotel got the rest!"

 

A doctor had been attending the town's oldest, wealthiest resident for several years. One day it became apparent that the old geezer didn't have long to live and accordingly, the doctor advised his patient to get his affairs in order.

"Oh, yes," said the old man. "I've done all that. And do you know what I'm going to do with my money? I'm going to leave it to the doctor that saves my life..."

 

Doctor: Did you take my advice about your insomnia? Did you count sheep?

Patient: Yes I did. I counted to 482,354.

Doctor: And then did you fall asleep?

Patient: No, it was time to get up!

 

One Saturday a small boy entered the confessional and told the priest that he had thrown peanuts in the river. The priest thought this was a strange little sin to confess to, but said nothing. The next small boy to come to the priest also confessed to throwing peanuts in the river, as did a third child. Finally a very small boy came in, and the priest said, "So tell me, did you throw peanuts in the river too?"

"No, Father," said the child. "I am Peanuts."

 

Did you hear about the cannibal on a diet? Now he only eats pygmies.

 

The barber is preparing to cut the young boy's hair. "So, how do you want your hair cut?" he asked.

"Just like Daddy's," said the youth. "With a hole in the top."

 

Has it struck you that no matter how short girl's skirts get, they'll always be above two feet?

 

Mom: Who was that at the door?

Junior: The Invisible Man.

Mom: Tell him I can't see him.

 

An angel in heaven was welcoming a new arrival. "And how did you get here,

Mr. Brown?"

Mr. Brown replied, "Flu..."

 

A kind-hearted old-lady saw a little girl standing outside the school doors crying. "What's the matter, Miss?" asked the lady.

"Rheumatism," replied the student.

"Rheumatism? At your age?"

"Yes," replied the little girl. "I failed the test because I couldn't spell it!"

 

A passerby stopped to talk to a fisherman. "Is this river any good for fish?"

"Must be," said the fisherman. "I can't get any of them to leave it!"

 

Vegetarian (bragging to friend): I've live on vegetables for years!

Friend: That's nothing. I've lived on earth all my life!

 

A boy was sitting on a street corner fishing in a bucket of water. A little-old-lady passing by took pity on the boy and gave him a quarter.

"How many have you caught today?" she asked with a smile.

The boy looked up, smiled back and said, "You're the seventh."

 

Jim: I'm glad I wasn't born in France.

Ed: Why?

Jim: I can't speak a word of French.

 

As the judge said to the dentist, "Do you promise to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth, so help you?"

 

Customer: May I try on that blue suit in the window?

Salesman: No, sir. You'll have to use the dressing room.

 

A man staying at a very posh hotel had gone to use the swimming pool. As he paused on the upper-most diving board, arms raised, an attendant screamed out, "Don't dive!! There's no water in the pool!"

"That's okay," the visitor declared. "I can't swim!"

 

Jim: They're not going to grow bananas any longer.

Ed: Why not?

Jim: They're long enough already!

 

Jim: My Uncle's got a wooden leg.

Ed: That's nothing. My Aunt has a wooden chest.

 

Ed: I wonder how I got this flat tire?

Jim: Maybe it was that last fork in the road?

 

A husband and wife had just arrived at the airport, parked the car in the closest spot which was several hundred yards away from the entrance and pulled and carried all of their luggage into the terminal, when the husband stopped and sighed. "I wish I'd brought the piano with us," he muttered.

"Why?" asked his wife. "Because I've left the plane tickets on it."

 

Jim: This match you gave me won't light.

Ed: That's funny. It did this morning.

 

Jim: A loud noise woke me up very early this morning.

Ed: Oh, yeah? What was that?

Jim: The crack of dawn.

 

What's the difference between a bachelor and a married man?

The first kisses the misses - the second misses the kisses.

 

Policeman: Why'd you run away after you hit your ball through Ed's window?

Jim: Because I couldn't stand to see it go through all that pane!

 

What's black and white and green all over?

A referee that fell in the Gator Bowl.

 

Did you hear about the new line of designer jeans called "Crisco"?

They're for the woman with a little fat in the can.

 

What's green and ice skates?

Peggy Phlegm.

 

What's green and slides down hospital walls?

Mucus Welby.

 

What's green and flew over Germany?

Snotzies.

 

Three degrees below zero.

 

What's red and white and lives in a test tube?

Bozo the clone.

 

Jennifer: Are you coming to my party?

Sandra: No, I ain't going.

Jennifer: Now, you know what the teacher told us. Not "ain't." It's 'I am not going, he is not going, she is not going and they are not going.'

Sandra: Isn't anyone going?

 

Jim: My brother just opened a store.

Ed: Sounds great. What's he doing?

Jim: Six months. He opened it with a crowbar.

 

A man went into a butcher shop and saw a man hanging by one arm from the center of the ceiling. "What's he doing there?" he asked the butcher.

"Oh, pay no attention," said the butcher. "He thinks he's a lightbulb."

"Well, why don't you tell him he isn't?" asked the startled customer.

"What? And work in the dark?"

 

Or how about the new book, "How I Got Rich Quick," by Robin Banks.

 

The hunchback of Notre Dame wanted to go on a vacation, so he asked the bishop for some time off. "But, who will ring the bell?" asked the bishop.

"I don't know," said Quasimodo. "All I know is that I really need a vacation. Can you find a temporary replacement?"

So the bishop put a help wanted ad outside the cathedral. At first, no one seemed to be interested in ringing the bell for the two weeks, but on the day before Quasimodo was scheduled to leave for the south of France, two men walked into the bishop's office. They were identical except for the fact that one of the men had no arms.

"I'd like to ring the bell while Quasimodo is on vacation," said the man with arms. "My brother here will take over for me on Sundays, as I go to mass at Chartres."

The bishop was desperate for a replacement, so he decided to give the men a try. He took the brothers to the bell tower and invited them to ring the bell. The first brother grabbed the bell rope and gave it a pull. Off went the bell - a beautiful clear tone. Excited, the man ran over to embrace his brother. "We've got the job!" he yelled. In his excitement, the man bumped the guard rail which, being old, gave way. The bishop heard a sickening thud as the man hit the ground far below.

"Well, I guess I'd better give it a try," said the armless brother.

"Be serious," said the bishop. "You can't ring that bell!"

"Look, your Holiness, you should at least give me a chance. Look at it this way - it's your last opportunity to find a replacement for Quasimodo."

The bishop agreed, reluctantly, and the armless man took a good running start, flinging himself at the famous bell. He hit face first and the huge bell swung with a loud clang. Unfortunately, the force of the swinging bell knocked the man off the top of the bell tower. The bishop heard a thud as the man hit the ground, and he ran to call a doctor.

When the doctor arrived, he did a quick examination of both men. He pronounced the first one dead, and the armless man alive, but unconscious.

"Who is this man?" asked the doctor pointing to the armelss guy.

"I don't know," said the bishop, "but his face sure rings a bell."

"And who's the other guy?" the doctor queried.

"Don't know that one either," said the bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother!"

 

Did you hear about the fat lady that went on a diet, eating only coconuts and bananas? She didn't lose much weight, but man, could she climb trees!

 

A well-dressed man, his nose slightly in the air, stepped out of the hotel and snapped at the doorman, "You, there! Call me a cab."

"Yes, sir!" fired back the sarcastic doorman. "You are a cab."

A lady goes into a shop and says to the salesman, "I'd like a fur coat please."

"What fur?" queried the salesman.

"Why, to keep myself warm, of course!"

 

Jim: I got fired from my job last week.

Ed: What for?

Jim: For good.

 

Teacher: Where did John Hancock sign the Declaration of Independence?

Jim: At the bottom.

 

Why did the orange stop rolling?

Because it ran out of juice.

 

What did the elephant say to elephant hunter?

Tusk, tusk.

 

A rabbit enters a hardware store (ding-a-ling) and hops over to the counter (hippity-hop). "Good morning. Do you have any carrots?" he asks the clerk.

"No, you stupid rabbit," says the clerk. "This is a hardware store. We don't sell carrots here." "Oh, so sorry," replied the rabbit, hoping out of the store (hippity-hop).

The next day, the rabbit goes into the hardware store again (ding-a-ling) (hippity-hop). "Good morning. Do you have any carrots?"

"You're the same stupid rabbit that came in here yesterday and I told you this was a hardware store! If you EVER come in here again, I'll... I'll...

I'll NAIL YOUR EARS TO THE COUNTER!"

"Oh, so sorry." (Hippity-hop.) The next day, the rabbit comes into the store again (ding-a-ling) (hippity-hop). "Good morning. Do you have any nails?"

"No, I'm sorry. There's been a shortage of nails lately."

"Oh, well, in that case... do you have any carrots?"

 

Why did the blonde put lipstick on her head?

So that she could make up her mind!

 

A guy gets drunk at a party, so his friends call a cab to take him home. Once in the cab, the drunk starts to tell the cabby about his life: how lonely he's been since his wife left him, how hard his job is, how no one appreciates him. "You seem like a nice guy," he says to the cabby.

"Yeah," says the cabby indifferently.

"What do you say? Do you think there's room in the front seat for a pizza and a couple of six- packs?"

The driver thinks about it, then responds, "Sure, why not?"

"Gee, thanks," says the drunk, leans over the partition and throws up.

 

The story goes that Winston Churchill was once cornered at a party by a stuffy old biddy by the name of Lasy Astor. She was getting on to him about his excessive drinking and had finally said one thing too many. Churchill, ever the diplomat, looked her in the eye and said, "Madam, you are correct...I am drunk...but you are ugly. And in the morning, I will be sober...

 

When is a door not a door?

When it is ajar.

 

When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a parking lot.

 

What is yellow and very dangerous?

Shark-infested custard.

 

Jim: My brother was arrested for stealing 200 yards of elastic.

Ed: Did he get caught?

Jim: Yeah. They put him away for a good long stretch."

 

A very stout old-woman was standing at a street corner when a boy in a scout uniform came up and stood beside her. "Young man," she said, "would you see me acoss the street?"

"Lady," replied the scout, "I would see you a mile away!"

 

Jim: I got a set of drums for Christmas. Best present I ever got.

Ed: Why?

Jim: My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play them.

 

Jim: What do you mean by going around, telling everyone I'm an idiot?

Ed: Sorry. I didn't know it was a secret.

 

Did you hear about the little boy whose name was Glug-Glug? He was supposed to be named Jimmy, but during the baptism the priest fell in the font!

 

Did you hear about the book Dan Quayle has just about finished?

He started coloring the last picture yesterday.

 

Then there was the handicapped honors student in our school. Since kindergarten his dad had given him a quarter and a pat on the head for each A he got. By the time he graduated, he had $500 in the bank and a flat head.

 

Ed: Why are you laughing?

Jim: My stupid dentist just pulled out one of my teeth.

Ed: What's so funny about that?

Jim: He pulled the wrong one!

 

Boy: My brother is crazy. He thinks he's a dog.

Friend: How long has this been going on?

Boy: Ever since he was a puppy.

 

A bum approached me on the street and said, "Excuse me, sir, but I haven't had a bite in weeks." So, I took pity on him - I bit him.

 

Boy: My dad's the best big game hunter in New York State. He hunts lions.

Friend: But, there aren't any lions in New York State!

Boy: Sure - now!

 

Boy: I haven't slept for a wink the last two nights.

Teacher: Why's that?

Boy: Graany broke her leg and they had to put it in a cast. The doctor told her not to climb the stairs. You should hear the noise when she climbs up the drainpipe!

 

Bob: Dad, would you help me with my math homework?

Dad: No. It wouldn't be right.

Bob: I thought so, but at least you could try!

 

Why did the rooster cross the road?

To prove he wasn't chicken!

 

Sis: Mom and Dad just bought me a bird for a pet.

Bro: What kind was it?

Sis: A keet.

Bro: Don't you mean a parakeet?

Sis: No. They only bought me one!

 

Tom: I wish you'd sing solo.

Laura: Solo?

Tom: Yeah - so low that I can't hear you.

Laura: Not very funny! Have you ever heard yourself sing? You should sing tenor.

Tom: Tenor?

Laura: Yeah - ten or eleven miles away!

 

Bro: Why are you taking that ruler to bed with you?

Sis: I want to see how long I sleep.

 

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half a worm in your half-eaten apple!

 

George: Look! I just found a lost football!

Ed: How d you know it's lost?

George: Because the kids down the block are still looking for it!

 

Bruce: Do you know where I can buy some parrot seed?

Linda: Why? You don't own a parrot!

Bruce: I know, but I want to grow one!

 

A guy from Fulton decides he wants to start a farm of his own, so he goes to Agway where the clerk convinces him he'll do better if he starts a chicken farm. So the guy buys 100 baby chicks and leaves the store.

A month later, the guy from Fulton is back at Agway asking to buy another 100 baby chicks. "Why another hundred so soon?" asks the clerk.

"I couldn't get the first batch to grow," said the Fultonian. "I can't decide if I planted them too close together or too deep!"

 

What increases by one-half its value when turned upside down?

The number six.

 

What did the mayonnaise say to the dressing?

"Close the door - can't you see I'm dressing?"

 

Teacher: Billy, this essay you turned in about your dog is exactly the same as the essay your brother did last year!

Billy: It's the same dog.

 

What's the only way to carry water in a sieve?

Freeze the water first.

 

One eighth grader in Fulton was falling in love for the first time. Unsure of himself around girls, he went to the library and took out a book on "How to Hug." It wasn't until he got home that he discovered he had checked out volume 10 of the encyclopedia.

 

If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what will it become?

Wet.

 

Sally: I've added these same numbers up 12 times.

Teacher: Good, Sally.

Sally: And here are my twelve answers.

 

Motorist: I'm sorry to say that I seem to have killed your cat, Ma'm. I feel very badly. Can I replace him?

Lady: I don't know - how good are you at catching mice?

 

Mr. Green is a butcher. He is six feet tall, wears a size 10 shoe and a size 40 suit. What does he weigh?

Meat.

 

Billy: I'll have another piece of cake please.

Mom: If you have another piece of cake, you'll burst!

Billy: Then pass the cake and stand out of the way!

 

On which side does a chicken have the most feathers?

The outside.

 

An airplane carrying half American passengers and half Canadian passengers crashed on the Canadian-American border. Where did they bury the survivors?

Nowhere - the survivors are still alive.

 

Dentist: What kind of filling do you want in your tooth?

Kid: Chocolate.

 

What's the hardest thing about learning to roller skate?

The pavement.

 

Why was the mother flea crying?

Because her children had gone to the dogs.

 

Why does an Indian wear a feather headdress?

To keep his wigwam.

 

What is it that we have in December that we don't have in any other month?

The letter D.

 

Mom: How did you do on your first day at school?

Junior: Not so good, I guess. I have to go back tomorrow.

 

What do ghosts like to eat for breakfast?

Ghost Toasties and evaporated milk.

 

How does a witch tell time?

With her witch watch.

 

If you put three ducks into a crate, what would you have?

A box of quackers.

 

When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a driveway.

 

How can you change a pumpkin into another vegetable?

Throw it up in the air and it will come down squash.

 

What's black and white and red all over?

a. The newspaper (read all over)

b. A bashful zebra

c. A wounded nun.

 

What's black and white and red and can't get through a revolving door?

A nun with a spear through her head.

 

What breaks but does not fall? What falls but does not break?

Day breaks and night falls.

 

Dennis: Mom, I just knocked over the ladder in the back yard.

Mom: You'd better tell your father.

Dennis: He knows. He was on it.

 

What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.

 

What has 18 legs and catches flies?

A baseball team.

 

Tell me two things you can never eat for breakfast.

Lunch and dinner.

 

What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer.

 

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

 

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Nothing he can't come anyway.

 

What do you do with a dog with no legs?

Take him for a drag.

 

What can you hold in your left hand that you can't hold in your right hand?

Your right elbow.

 

Ed: I've been seeing spots before my eyes.

Will: Have you seen a doctor?

Ed: No, just spots.

 

How many peas in a pint?

Just one. (P's in "a pint")

 

 

If eight eggs cost 26 cents, how many eggs can you get for a cent and a quarter?

Eight.

 

What bites but isn't alive?

Frost.

 

What do you get when you cross a mink with a kangaroo?

A fur coat with pockets.

 

If you're Russian in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom?

European.

 

President Clinton and his wife decided to attend a Yankee baseball game at the invitation of George Steinbrenner. Shortly after they'd been seated, Bill picked up Hillary and threw her out of the special box.

George leaned over to the President and said, "No, no. I wanted you to throw out the first PITCH!"

 

What does a dog have that no other animal has?

Puppies.

 

What's the best way to make a coat last?

Make the pants first.

 

What did Paul Revere say at the end of his famous ride?

"Whoa!"

 

Which travels faster - heat or cold?

Heat. You can catch cold.

 

What gives milk and has one horn?

A milk truck?

 

Why do they put a bell around a cow's neck?

Because her horns don't work.

 

What is it you can never see, yet it is always before you?

The future.

 

When was Adam created?

Just a little before eve.

 

Why was the blonde snorting Nutra-Sweet?

She thought it was diet coke.

 

Why did the blonde lose her job as an elevator operator?

She couldn't remember the route.

 

What's a blonde's greatest fear?

Waking up asleep.

 

Why don't blondes dial 911 in emergencies?

Because they can't find eleven on their dials.

 

Why did the blonde sit in a tree?

So she could call herself a branch manager.

 

Did you hear about the blonde who drove to the supermarket when she went into labor?

She heard that they had free delivery.

 

Bill: Do you believe in free speech?

Ed: I sure do!

Bill: Great. Then can I make a long distance call from your phone?

 

What invention allows you to look through walls?

Windows.

 

Upon a hill there is a mill,

Around the mill there is a walk,

Under the walk there is a key.

Tell me the name of this mill.

 

Milwaukee.

 

Doctor: What do you dream about at night?

Blonde boy: Baseball.

Doctor: Don't you ever dream about anything else?

Blonde boy: No, just baseball, night after night.

Doctor: You never dream about food?

Blonde boy: What? And miss my turn at bat?

 

What goes "zzub zzub?"

A bee flying backwards.

 

What goes, "Ha ha ha ha, plop?"

Someone laughing his head off.

 

What is the beginning of eternity,

The end of time and space,

The beginning of every end

And the end of every place?

(The letter e.)

 

Once upon a time, there was a great land war between the U.S. and China. A young boy was drafted, trained and sent to the front. The supply sergeant told him they were out of guns and gave him a broom.

"What do I do with this?" asked the boy.

"Just point it at your target and say, 'Bang...bang,'" replied the sergeant.

The boy did not believe the sergeant, but he had his orders, so it was off to the front. He hadn't been on the front lines for more than ten minutes when he say his first Chinaman, so he pointed the broom and said,

"Bang...bang." The Chinaman dropped dead and the boy stared in wonder. A few minutes later the scene was repeated and again the Chinaman fell dead.

This went on for several hours, but there were a lot of Chinamen and they just kept coming. When the boy finally got some relief at his post, he went back to the supply sergeant and asked him why this worked. The sergeant didn't reply, but he did tie a string on the end of the broom, and he told the boy, "If they get too close, just say 'Stab...stab.'"

Soon it was back to the front and the Chinese soldiers were coming faster than ever. The boy yelled "Bang...bang," for as long as he could, but eventually the Chinese were just too close. Standing to face them head-on, the boy began yelling, "Stab...stab," and the enemy continued to fall.

All went well until a particular Chinaman came over the hill all by himself. The boy aimed his broom and yelled, "Bang...bang," but the soldier kept coming. When he got closer, the boy yelled, "Stab...stab," but this didn't slow him down either - the Chinaman rolled over the boy, crushing him into the ground.

As he lay there, broken and tattered, the boy heard the Chinaman move on by and he was saying, "Tankety-tank...tankety-tank."

 

You can pick your friends,

and you can pick your nose,

but you can't roll your friends

into little green balls.

 

Why won't a rattlesnake bite a lawyer?

Professional courtesy.

 

A rookie angel had been given his first night off and he chose to return to his favorite spot on the west coast, Sam Frank's Disco. Drinking and dancing well into the wee hours of the morning, he was a tad drunk and even more forgetful as he left to fly back to heaven. As he approached the pearly gates, he was stopped by St. Peter.

"Haven't you forgotten something?" asked the gate keeper.

"Uh-oh!" remarked the inebriated angel. "I left my harp in Sam Frank's Disco!"

 

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

How many can you afford?

 

How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

*"What's a lightbulb?"

*One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

*Two. One to hold the diet Pepsi and one to call, "Daddeeeee..."

 

How many hardware technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

None - they send the problem over to the software engineers.

 

How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None - they decide to let the end user fix the problem.

 

How many real women does it take to change a lightbulb?

None - real women dine by candlelight.

 

In the bottom of the seventh inning, a lazy fly ball headed into the outfield. The left fielder parked under it, then scrambled frantically as it bounced off his glove. When he returned to the dugout, the manager decked him with a single right hand to the jaw.

"Hey, why'd you do that?" asked the player.

"Because they scored a run, you idiot!" the skipper bellowed.

In the eighth inning the outfielder repeated his error, allowing another run to score. The manager decked him again.

In the bottom of the ninth, the manager benched the left fielder, telling him to watch how the position was supposed to be played, and he trotted out onto the field. With the score tied the manager went back for a long fly ball and dropped it. The winning run scored.

As the manager returned to the dugout, the left fielder was chuckling to himself. The manager decked him.

"HEY! Why'd you do THAT?" the player yelled.

"Because," said the manager, "you've got left field so screwed up, NOBODY can play it!"

 

Did you hear that Oprah Winfrey had checked into a fat farm for two weeks?

She lost 14 days.

 

A 59-year-old man began to dress after his physical. "Doc," he began, "do you think I'll make it another forty-one years so that I can reach 100?"

"Do you smoke?" the doctor asked.

"No," the patient replied.

"Do you drink?"

"No."

"Do you fool around with women?"

"Of course not!"

"Well, then." the physician wondered aloud, "why the hell would you WANT to live another 41 years?"

 

Frank and Matt had been working for SpaceShot Industries for years with the assignment of building the ultimate computer. When they finished, last week, the first thing they asked the computer was, "Is there a God?"

The intantaneous reply: "There is NOW!"

 

What do you get when you cross a computer and a gorilla?

A Harry Reasoner.

 

What would it take to reunite the Beatles?

Three more bullets.

 

A cannibal was running through the woods when he came across two missionaries camped alongside a stream. One was writing in his journal and the other was reading the Bible. Which one did he eat?

The one reading the Bible because readers digest and writers cramp.

 

What would Grace Kelly be doing if she were alive today?

Clawing at the top of her coffin.

 

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Look - change is a gradual process. I think that you're forgetting that our government was the first in history to introduce lightbulb reforms! If you'll note, the latest statistical trends show that lightbulb use is on the increase, and yet I can categorically state that our goal is that by 1994, not one lightbulb will be in darkness. Furthermore, I want to make it abundantly clear that I have been outspoken in my support for (blah blah blah).

 

How many Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Fish.

 

What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?

The wheelchair.

 

Bob: It says in this book I'm reading the Eskimos eat whale meat and blubber.

Ed: I think if I had to eat whale meat, I'd blubber too!

 

What did the mortician tell the smoker?

It's not the cough that will carry you off - it's the coffin they will carry you off in!

 

Why did the woman cross the road?

Who cares? Why isn't she in the kitchen cooking dinner?

 

What's the difference between a dog and a fox?

Two sixpacks.

 

A man and his buddy were playing golf when they noticed a funeral procession going by. The man steps back away from the tee, removes his hat and places it over his heart until the parade of cars has gone by.

"Hey," said his buddy, "that was really nice of you to pay your respects like that."

"It's the least I could do," said the guy. "After all, we were married for 35 years."

 

What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants coming through the forest with sunglasses on?

He didn't say anything because he didn't recognize them.

 

John walks into a bar and takes the empty stool next to his friend Bob.

He's pale and trembling, so Bob says, "John, you look really awful. What's the matter?"

"I just had another fight with my wife," replies John. "Man, do I hate that witch!"

"Why don't you have her murdered?" asks Bob. "I know a guy, Artie, who'll do it for you cheap."

Well, this sounds great to John, so Bob sets up a meet. It takes only a couple of minutes for Bob and Artie to come to an agreement - date, time and a fee of one dollar are all agreed to.

On the appointed day, Artie takes up hiding in the back seat of the wife's car while she's doing her grocery shopping at Wegman's. When she gets back in the car, Artie strangles the wife to death and only notices, at the last second, that two women entering the car parked next to him have seen the whole thing. There's no choice - Artie leaps from the car and strangles the other two women as well.

As he attempts to make his getaway through the parking lot, several customers scream and a police officer driving through the area stops and catches Artie. It takes only the promise of a reduced sentence to get Artie to confess.

The next day, the headlines in the local newspaper proclaim, "Artie chokes three for a dollar at Wegmans!"

 

Why is it impossible for anyone to walk across the state of New Jersey?

No one an hold their nose that long.

 

Why was Pia Zadora voted celebrity of the year by the American Medical Association?

Because her acting makes people sick.

 

What kind of bath toy did Joan Crawford buy her kids?

A toaster.

 

What do you get when you cross a gorilla with a mink?

A fur coat, but the sleeves are too long.

 

What do they serve cannibals who are late for dinner?

Cold shoulders.

 

When do cannibals leave the table?

Not until everyone's eaten.

 

Why did the cannibal roast the fortune teller for hours?

He liked his mediums well-done.

 

What do cannibals put out at dinner parties instead of hors, d'oeuvres?

Finger bowls.

 

Why couldn't anyone play cards on the ark?

Because Noah sat on the deck.

 

Why did the owl make everyone laugh?

Because he was a hoot.

 

What is green and sings?

Elvis Parsley.

 

What is in fashion, but always out of date?

The letter F.

 

If an orchestra plays in the rain, who's most likely to get hit by lightning?

The conductor.

 

Why does a dog wag it's tail?

Because no one else will wag it for him.

 

What gets wetter the more it dries?

A towel.

 

With what vegetable do you throw away the outside, cook the inside, eat the outside and throw away the inside?

Corn-on-the-cob.

 

Why do dogs scratch themselves?

Because they're the only ones who know where it itches.

 

What would you do if you were in the dessert with no food or water?

Open your watch and drink from the spring, then eat the sand which is there.

 

Three men went out in a boat to fish on a lake. At about the middle of the lake, one of them said, "I forgot my fishing pole; I can't fish without it." So he hopped out of the boat and walked across the water, back to shore.

Just then, the second man said, "I forgot my tackle; I can't fish without it." So he hopped out of the boat and walked across the water, back to shore.

Not wanting to fish alone, the third man hopped out of the boat to follow the other two. But when he did, he sank right to the bottom of the lake. It was only a few seconds before he surfaced, spluttering and reaching for the boat.

The other two men were watching from the shore and saw him go under. The first man turned to the second and said, "Maybe we should have told him where the stones are!"

 

Did you see me come through the door?

Yes.

Have you ever seen me before?

No.

Then how did you know it was me?

 

Tell me where Larry went.

He's 'round in front.

I know what he looks like - just tell me where he went!

 

Two not-so-smart hunters were in the deep woods when they came across some tracks in a clearing. "Those are deer tracks," said the first.

"No they're not. Those are bear tracks," said the second.

They were still arguing 5 minutes later when a train hit them.

 

A frantic man called the garage and asked to speak to the mechanic. "I locked myself out of my car," the man shouted over the phone.

"Don't worry," the mechanic replied. "I'll send my assistant right over and he'll get it open for you."

"Would you ask him to hurry?" requested the motorist.

"It's starting to rain and I've got the top down."

 

Mother told Tommy to run across the street and see how "Ole" Mrs. Smith was. Tommy returned a few minutes later, out of breath.

"What's the matter?" his mother asked.

Tommy replied, "Mrs. Smith says it's none of your business how old she is!"

 

Wise man say, "Opportunity knock only once, but temptation lean on doorbell!"

 

The emcee at the retirement dinner rose to speak: "Tonight we honor a man who does not know the meaning of the word frustration, who does not know the meaning of the word fear, who doesn't know the meaning of the word quit. And so we've all chipped in to get the idiot this dictionary!"

 

It seems there was this lawyer named Bob who had a deaf brother named Frank who worked for the mob. One day Frank got caught by the mob with his hand in the cookie jar. The mob boss wanted to get his money back but couldn't communicate with Frank, who was deaf.

"Get his brother the lawyer over here," said the boss. "He knows sign language and can talk to this SOB."

So they go get Bob and bring him back. The boss tells Bob....."Ask your brother where he hid the money!"

So Bob signs to Frank......"Where's the money?"

Frank replies in sign......."I'm not telling!"

Bob tells the boss "He's not telling."

The boss says, "Either he tells me now, or I'll blow his brains out!"....and he puts a gun to Frank's head.

"OK, ok," signs Frank frantically, "The two million is in a box in my attic!"

"HOW MUCH?" signs Bob.

"Two million bucks," signs Frank, "you're my brother the lawyer ... get me out of this!"

Without missing a beat Bob says to the mob boss, "Frank says go ahead and shoot me you dirty rotten SOB!"

 

One evening a lawyer was sitting in his office going over a case that he was working on when the DEVIL appeared in front of his desk. The DEVIL said, "I want to make you an offer......I'll give you an annual eight figure income......a corner office.....a mansion in the country....a townhouse.......maids.....limo service.......and a faithful wife. All I ask in return is your eternal soul when you die."

Well......the lawyer sat back thoughtfully.......puzzled over the offer and finally said, "OK, What's the catch?"

 

A man sat down on a park bench. He noticed another man sitting with him and he looked depressed so he asked the man:

M#1:"What's the matter?"

M#2:"I've lost three wives in the past year."

M#1:"That's terrible. How did it happen?"

M#2:"Well, you see I live in an area where I grow most of my own food. And sometimes we eat wild mushrooms. My first two wives died by eating poisonous mushrooms."

M#1:"You poor man! How did you third wife die?"

M#2:"Her skull was cracked open."

M#1:"Oh my God! What happened?"

M#2:"She wouldn't eat her vegetables."

 

It seems there was this coroner with a healthy distaste for lawyers........and he was called to testify in a trial. As soon as he was sworn in, he was approached by the defense attorney who asked him, "Doctor, is true that you did not know the deceased personally......that you never met him before......and you are not sure even if the person we are talking about is alive or indeed dead?"

"Well," replied the coroner, "all I can state for sure is that the brain of the deceased is in a jar on my desk in the morgue..........his body could very well be out there somewhere practicing law!"

 

A very rich man, who was very close to his money, got together with his closest friends one day, who happened to be a Priest, a Doctor, and a Lawyer . The Rich Man was very old, and getting older, and was thinking about his approaching death. He told his three friends this, and asked them to do a favor for him when he died.

"Here are three envelopes; each contains $100,000, one for each of you. I don't wish to go to the afterlife without my money. Please, when I am buried, would each of you throw your envelopes into the grave on top of my coffin?"

The three friends agreed, and took the envelopes.

Sure enough, the Rich Man soon died. At his funeral, the Doctor, the Priest and the Lawyer threw their envelopes on his coffin. As they were leaving the funeral, the Priest said to the others, "I have a confession to make.

The church needed a new altar badly, so I... I took $5,000 to buy it," and looked at his feet.

The Doctor said, "Well, since you've admitted it, I too must confess that I took some money. The children's hospital where I work needed a new, expensive X-ray machine, so I took $30,000 to buy it."

The Doctor and the Priest both turned to the lawyer, expecting a similar confession. Instead, he said "Oh no, I didn't take any of the money. I put a check for the entire $100,000 in the envelope!"

 

Do you know why medical laboratories are now using lawyers instead of rats for experiments?

* There is no shortage of lawyers

* The lab technicians don't get so attached to them

* There are some things you just can't get a rat to do!!!

 

Many years ago, two holy men sat on a mountain top in Tibet contemplating the existance of God and the people he had created. After many years of quiet contemplation, one monk looked at the other and said, "Why is life like a bowl of cherries?"

Naturally, the second monk did not respond immediately - in fact, days went by, then months, and even years. Finally, the second monk turned to the first and said, "Gee...I don't know. Why IS life like a bowl of cherries?"

The first monk did not respond immediately - in fact, time passed as before - first days, then months and finally years. But at last he turned to the second monk and said, "Okay - have it your way. Life ISN'T like a bowl of cherries."

 

There were the husband and wife who, after a couple of years of trying, were finally able to have a child. But when it came time for the child to be born, they were greatly disturbed to find that the child was deformed.

The infant was born with no legs, no arms, no body - in fact, all it had was a head.

Realizing how lucky they were to have a child at all, they decided to love it and care for it as if it were a complete baby. It was a surprise to everyone that the head lived and prospered, even graduating from high school. And on his twenty-first birthday, Dad took the head to the local pub to help him celebrate.

Gulping down his drink first, Pop then helped the head take his first shot.

Everyone in the bar was amazed when, with no warning, an arm popped out.

Excited, Dad ordered another round. When the head took his second drink, another arm popped out!

Too excited for words, Dad ordered a double for the head. Pouring this more potent drink down his child's throat, he waited to see what would happen next. Everyone in the bar could only watch in terror as the head exploded into a million pieces.

The bartender looked at the mess splattered all over the saloon, turned to the father and said, "You should have quit while he was ahead."

 

As the woman was instructing her new maid on the great care required in handling certain valuable household objects, she pointed to the dining room and said with obvious satisfaction, "Please take VERY good care of THAT furniture. It goes back to Louis the Fourteenth!"

"I understand completely," replied the maid. "My whole living room set goes back to Sears the fifteenth!"

 

What do you get if your cross a gorilla with a Republican?

A retarded gorilla.

 

Why was 6 so afraid?

Because 7 8 9.

 

What's the difference between spinach and snot?

You can't get kids to eat spinach.

 

An executive walked into his favorite bar one day after work and sat down next to a drunk who was studying something in his hand. The executive leaned close as the drunk held the object up to the light.

"Well, it looks like plastic," the drunk said.

Then he rolled it around in his fingers for a minute and said, "But it feels like rubber."

Curious, the executive asked, "What do you have there?"

"Darned if I know," said the drunk, "but it looks like plastic and it feels like rubber."

The executive said, "Let me take a look." Taking the object from the drunk, he held it up to the light and rolled it around between his fingers.

"Yeah, you're right," said the executive. "It looks like plastic but it feels like rubber. Where'd you get it?"

The drunk replied, "Out of my nose."

 

Moses, Jesus and this old man are playing golf together. Moses tees off first and drives the ball straight into a pond located on the fairway.

Moses walks out to the pond, parts the waters, walks out with his club and drives the ball up onto the green.

Jesus tees off next. He, too, drives his ball right into the pond. Walking out to the water, Jesus walks across it, reaches down with his club and knocks the ball right on to the green out of the water.

The old man tees up his ball, waves his club, but then falls down, striking the ball with his head. The ball rolls a few feet, but then an earthworm sees it and wraps himself around the ball. An eagle sees the earthworm and dives from the top of a tree to grab the worm, but instead gets the entire golf ball. He flies for a ways, then the ball drops from his mouth and lands right in the cup. A hole-in-one.

Jesus looks over at the old man who is now dusting himself off. Jesus grins and says, "Alright, Dad. Enough fooling around - now let's play some golf."

 

Billy Bob: "How often do you rotate your tires?"

Ray Bob: "Heck, every time I drive, I guess!"

 

How do you know when you're really old?

When you start putting tenderizer on your oatmeal.

 

"Your money or your life!" growled the footpad.

"Take me life," responded the Irishman. "I'm saving me money for me old age."

 

A whole family was caught in a small boat during a sudden storm off the shores of Florida, but towed to safety in Fort Lauderdale by the ever-alert U.S. Coast Guard.

"I always knew God would take care of us," said the composed five-year-old aughter of the boatowner after the family got home.

"I like to hear you say that," beamed the mother. "Always remember that the Lord is in heaven watching over us."

"Oh, I wasn't talking about THAT God," said the child. "I was talking about the Coast God!"

 

What do you get if you play country music backwards?

You get yer truck back, you get yer dog back and you get yer girl back!

 

Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in Tide?

Becuase it's too cold to do it out Tide.

 

What looks like, smells like and tastes like bananas, but isn't bananas?

Monkey puke.

 

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it.

 

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Da tame way - unique up on it.

 

Once, in southern Florida during a hurricane, a small coastal town became flooded. As the waters rose, everyone fled for the temporary safety of their rooves, while Red Cross rescue teams went around in boats collecting people and taking them to safety. When they came to one man precariously perched on his roof, he refused to go with them.

"I trust in God to save me!" he declared. "I do not need your help."

There were other people to save, so the boat moved on. The hurricane got worse and the water continued to rise. The rescue crew in another boat, checking the neighborhood one last time, saw the man atop his roof and pulled up next to him.

"Get in! Get in! There isn't much time!" the rescuers shouted.

But the man refused again. He had faith in the Lord - surely He would rescue him.

The water continued to rise...to his chest, then to his shoulders and even to his neck. A helicopter, barely able to hold itself in the wind, flew over and a resucer spotted the man. Someone threw down a rope.

"Grab on!" a rescuer called out. "We'll take you to safety!"

"I have faith!" the man yelled back over the wind. "The Lord will not abandon me!" He ignored the rope and finally the helicopter was caught in some turbulance and had to leave.

The water continued to rise and finally it rose over the man's head. He drowned and his body was swept away, but it was only a short time later that his soul found itself at the pearly gates of heaven. The Lord appeared before the man and the man said, "Why, Lord, why didn't you save me? I put all of my faith in you and I drowned."

God replied, "I sent two boats and a helicopter, what more did you want?"

 

Why are garbage collectors usually so unhappy?

Because they're down in the dumps so much.

 

When do mathematicians die?

When their number's up.

 

Why were there screams coming from the kitchen?

Because the cook was beating the eggs and whipping the cream.

 

For how long did Cain hate his brother?

As long as he was Able.

 

What's big and white and is found in Florida?

A lost polar bear.

 

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper who sold his soul to Santa?

 

What do a tornado, a hurricane and an ex-wife have in common?

They all get the house.

 

Did you hear about the girl that was ssoooo ugly...

...she had to sneak up on a glass of water just to take a drink?

...that when she was born, the doctor slapped her mother?

...that her mother put her in a corner and fed her with a sling-shot?

 

I came across a pirate the other day and it was obvious he had lived a very long and difficult life. He had a peg leg. One arm ended in a hook and he had a patch over his left eye. I asked him about the life of a Pirate and he told me many wonderful stories of stolen treasure and captured vessels.

I replied that treasure seemed to have its price and asked him how he lost his leg.

"I took a cannon ball in the right knee and had to amputate."

"And your hand?" I said.

"A sword fight with the Captain of a Spanish Galleon," he replied.

" And your eye?" I asked.

"I was sunning my self on the upper deck when a seagull pooped right in my eye."

"Surely that did not cost you your eye." I said.

"It was the first day with my new hook." He said.

 

You may never have realized it, but in the long run we have nothing to worry about. Let me explain...

During the long, boring cycle of life, you only have two things of consequence to really worry about - being well or being sick. If you are well, there's nothing to worry about. If you are sick, there are two things to worry about - getting better or getting worse. If you get better, you have nothing to worry about. If you get worse, you have only two things to worry about - living or dying. If you live, you have nothing to worry about. If you die, there are only two things you have to worry about going to heaven or going to hell. If you go to heaven, you have nothing to worry about. If you go to hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with old friends that you'll have nothing to worry about.

So, you see, in the long run no one has anything to worry about!

 

Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to go to Europe!

Shut up and keep swimming!

 

Little Eddie was bent over his desk when the teacher came up to him and asked, "Eddie, what are you doing?"

"I'm drawing a picture of God," Eddied replied.

"But nobody knows what God looks like," responded the teacher.

Eddie looked at her. "They will when I get through."

 

On his way home from work, a driver came upon a horrible wreck in which one car looked exactly like one of his neighbor's. Stopping on the side of the road, he hurried toward the smoldering debris.

"Sorry, mister," a policeman said, holding him back, "you can't come any closer."

"But that may be my neighbor, Henry, in there," the anguished man explained.

"Okay, but it's a pretty grisly scene," the cop explained. "There was a decapitation."

The policeman reached into the back seat of one of the demolished cars and pulled out a head, holding it at arm's length.

"That's not him - thank heavens!" the man exclaimed. "Henry was much taller!"

 

A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he'd given her some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later.

Before he left, he warned her, if she should fell a deer, to be wary of hunters who might beat her to the carcas and claim the kill. If that happened, he told her, she should fire her gun three times and he would come to help her.

Sure enough, they had been separated only a half-hour when he heard the three shots that signaled his wife needed help. Picking his way through the woods, he arrived on the scene to find his wife standing over a carcass and a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel.

"He claims this is his," she told her husband.

"She can keep it! She can keep it!" the wide-eyed man proclaimed. "I just want my saddle back!"

 

One day, two people died at the same time......the Pope and a lawyer. Both being good men they were greeted at the pearly gates by St. Peter who showed them around. The lawyer was given a fantastic place to live...gold appointments, plush everything, and the best champagne.

Then St. Peter showed the Pope where he would live. It was nice, but it had none of the luxuries the lawyer got.

"I don't mind this place," said the Pope. "But I don't understand why the lawyer is being treated so much better then me.....a Pope."

"Well," said St. Peter, "we have hundreds of Popes up here, but this is the first lawyer we've had in hundreds of years!"

 

A lawyer dies and of course goes to hell. He was pleased to discover, however that he could continue to practice law. As a matter of fact, he was quite surprised to learn from the Devil that setting dates on the court calendar required only days rather then the weeks or months that he was used to in the Earthly courts.

"How come things move so swiftly down here?" He asked the devil.

"Well," answered the Devil, "you must remember that we have PLENTY of judges and lawyers to go around!"

 

These two guys walked into a bar... you think the second guy would've ducked!!

 

Four mothers were sitting on the side porch of the home discussing their sons.

"My son is a monsignor," the first proud mom said. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello Monsignor.'"

"My boy is a bishop," the second proclaimed. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, your Excellency.'"

"My baby is a cardinal," the third matron said. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, your Eminence'"

To which the fourth lady declared, "My billy is 6'10" tall, weighs 325 pounds, has tatoo's up one arm and down the other, and rides a harley. When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, MY GOD!'"

 

"Joey," the doctor said as he gazed at his 321 pounnd client, "I'm going to have to put you on a diet. I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for two weeks and the next time I see you, you will have lost at least five pounds."

When joey returned two weeks later, he had already lost nearly twenty pounds.

"You did this just by following my instructions?" the surprised doc asked.

Joey nodded and said, "I'll tellya what though - I thought I was gonna drop dead on that third day."

"From hunger?" asked the doc.

"Naw, man, from skipping."

 

A drunk stumbles into Church one Saturday and flops down, unseen, in an alcove where he can here the priest administering confession.

A man comes enters the confessional and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned; I killed three people in a car accident..."

The priest says, "Say 10 Our Fathers, and 10 Hail Mary's and put a dollar in the poor box."

Later, a woman enters and tells the priest, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned... I killed three times: my husband and two children died of food poisoning..."

The Priest says, "Say the Act Of Contrition 10 times and 10 Hail Mary's and put a dollar in the poor box."

When the Priest leaves for a break, the drunk decides he can do something for the church and slips into the priest's booth. Soon the window slides open and a man announces, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned, I killed two people today: my wife and her lover."

The drunk pauses and replies, "Go out and kill one more, they're 3 for a dollar today..."

 

Peter: I think your sister's really spoiled!

Dan: No, she's not. That's just her perfume.

 

I know there can't be any life on Mars...

...they haven't asked the United States for any foreign aid.

 

There was a tremendous sale on women's clothes at Kaufman's one day, and one gentleman thought this to be a great opportunity to buy some Christmas presents for his wife, so he got in line. For about an hour he stood there, clearly making no headway toward the sale. In fact, he found himself getting pushed further and further toward the rear as shoppers scrambled toward the sale items. Finally, in desperation, he began to push and claw his way toward the front.

One of the customers held up a hand to stop him and said, "Can't you act like a gentleman?"

"I've been acting like a gentleman for an hour," he replied. "Now I thought I'd act like a lady!"

 

There's an old saying that cats have nine lives. Do any animals have more than that?

Frogs - they croak every night.

 

Teacher: Jimmy, where is the Red Sea?

Jimmy: On my report card!

 

What's brown, wrinkled and lives in a church tower?

The lunch bag of Notre Dame.

 

Country cousin: Well, was the horse I loaned you well-behaved on your ride?

City cousin: Yep. Every time we came to a fence, he let me go over first.

 

Pam: Why don't you play checkers with Alvin anymore?

Ed: Would you play checkers with someone who cheats all the time?

Pam: No.

Ed: Well, neither will Alvin.

 

What did Noah say to his children about fishing from the deck of the ark?

Go easy on the bait, kids. I've only got two worms.

 

Harry: What a beautiful stuffed lion. Where'd you get him?

Larry: My uncle and I went to Africa last year.

Harry: Nice trophy! What's he stuffed with?

Larry: Unfortunately, my uncle.

 

Why was the chicken sad?

She thought she had people-pox.

 

Why do giraffes have such long necks?

Because their feet smell so bad.

 

The woman was in court, charged with wounding her husband. "But madam," asked the judge, "why did you stab him over 100 times?"

The woman replied, "I couldn't figure out how to switch off the electric knife!"

 

Patient: Doctor, I'm seeing double.

Doctor: Close one eye.

 

Patient: Doctor, sometimes I think I'm Napoleon.

Doctor: How long have you felt like this?

Patient: Ever since Waterloo.

 

What's thick, black, floats on water and whispers the word, "underwear."

Refined oil.

What's thick, black, floats on water and yells out the word, "panties!"

Crude oil.

 

What kind of ship does Count Dracula sail on?

A blood vessel.

 

What kind of song does Madonna sing when she's driving her car?

A cartoon.

 

Why do cows have hooves?

Because they can't find shoes to fit them.

 

A man who was very upset went to see his physician. "Doctor, Doctor," he said, "You've got to help me!"

"What's the problem?" asked the doctor.

"I keep having this same dream, night after night. I'm walking down this hall and I come to a door with a sign on it. I push and push and push, but I can't get the door open."

"What does the sign say?"

"Pull."

 

What's white and flies?

Super spud.

 

A doctor visited his patient in the hospital just after the operation.

"I've got some good news and some bad news for you," said the doctor.

"Which would you like to hear first?"

"Let me hear the bad news first." responded the patient.

"During the operation we found that your leg was beyond repair and we had

to amputate at the knee."

"Oh, My GOD! That's awful," said the man, sobbing. "What could possible be the good news?"

"The man in the next bed is willing to buy your slippers."

 

Who carries a sack and bites people?

Santa Jaws.

 

Ten years ago, an anthropology student spent some time studying in rural regions of El Salvador. One day he was driving down the road when he saw a man on a donkey while his wife walked about ten yards behind.

"Why do you do that?" he asked the man in Spanish.

"It is our age-old tradition." he was told.

Recently, the student, now a reporter, was sent back to El Salvador by his newspaper. By a strange coincidence, he found himself on the same road with the same man he'd seen ten years before. But this time the wife was walking ten yards ahead of the man on the mule.

"What happened to the custom?" he asked. "Has the tradition changed?"

"No," the man said. "Land mines."

 

"I have good news and I have bad news," announced the Pope to the hastily called meeting of cardinals at the Vatican. "First, the good news. The Lord has informed me directly of his Second Coming, and he sounded very happy!"

"Then what in heaven's name could the bad news be?" asked one of the assembled ecclesiastics.

The pontiff replied, "He was calling from Salt Lake City."

 

A young couple went to see a townhouse, hoping to buy it for their first home. The real estate agent mentioned that the previous owner had been an experimental scientist.

"Oh," said the husband, "that explains the red spots on the walls then. Are they his experiments?"

"No," replied the agent, "that's the scientist."

 

"Mommy, Mommy! Everyone at school says I look just like a werewolf!"

"Now, now. Don't you worry about it, Billy. Just go up and comb your face."

 

Down the street the funeral goes,

As the sobs and wails diminish.

He died from drinking varnish -

But he had a lovely finish.

 

"Doctor, Doctor! I've got carrots growing out of my ears!"

"Unbelievable! How did this happen?"

"I've no idea! I planted cabbages!"

 

How can you tell the happy cyclist?

By the bugs caught in his teeth.

 

"Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to go to Australia!"

"Shut up and keep digging!"

 

Did you hear about the two fat men who ran in the New York marathon?

One ran in short bursts, the other ran in burst shorts!

 

"My dog is the smartest!" said Billy.

"How smart is he?'" asked Sam.

"He's so smart, when I tell him to 'get down,' he starts to dance."

 

Know another way to describe a chair?

Headquarters for your hindquarters.

 

What's red, carries a sack of toys and falls down chimneys?

Santa Klutz

 

Jenny: We had a star dinner last night?

Ginny: Yeah? What was it called?

Jenny: Mickey Rooney and cheese.

 

Cupid: What do you call Santa's helpers?

Comet: Elves?

Cupid: Nope. Subordinate Clauses.

 

Porky Pig: I never sausage heat!

Miss Piggy: Yes. I'm almost bacon!

 

Teacher: Jeff, please make a sentence using 'officiate'.

Jeff: I got a stomach ache last night from officiate.

 

One day a guy named Steve was on his way home from work and ran low on gas. Since he had gone a different way than he usually did, he stopped at a gas station he didn't usually visit. The gas station attendant pointed to Steve's car and said, "That's a nice car, but I bet I can outrun it. How about double or nothing on the price of this tank of gas?"

"OK," said Steve. "Get your car."

"I don't need a car," said the attendant. "I'll run on my feet."

So they took off down the highway. Steve was doing 50 miles per hour when he looked out the window and saw the attendant running right beside his car with a big smile on his face.

Steve pressed the pedal down and didn't look around again until he had hit 95. Much to his surprise, the attendant was still there and he gave Steve a little wave. Steve floored it, again keeping his eyes on the road until he hit 120. Casting a glance over his shoulder he was almost surprised to see that the attendant was nowhere in sight - not along side, not behind him, nowhere.

A little concerned about the guy, Steve turned the car around and retraced his path down the road until he spotted the gas station attendant lying in the ditch alongside the road.

Steve got out of his car and ran over to the guy. "Are you all right?" he asked. "What are you doing in the ditch?"

The attendant sat up and shook his head. "Man, that hurts!" He looked up at Steve. "You ever have a tennis shoe blow out at 100 miles per hour?"

 

What wears blue tights, a red cape, blows air and flies?

Super fan!

 

Did you hear about the scientist who crossed a 5-star general with a pigeon?

He got a military coo.

 

Wife: If our marriage is a fifty-fifty deal, why haven't you raked your half of the leaves?

Husband: My half are still on the tree.

 

At a church school gathering, one little old lady approached a cute 5-year-old girl and asked her were she got her good looks.

"I musta got 'em from my Daddy," said the little girl, "'cause Mommy's still got hers."

 

A mother was helping her little girl with her reading skills. Mom would flash a card with a word on it and the girl would try to read it. Finally the mother reached the card with the word "stop" on it and her daughter was stumped.

"When I'm driving along," coached Mom, "and I see this sign, I always put my foot on the brake!"

"I know!" said the little girl. "Garage sale!"

 

Two brothers had terrorized a small town since childhood. When one brother died, the surviving brother offered the pastor an enormous sum of money if he would praise the deceased as a saint at his funeral. The pastor refused and mysteriously disappeared.

Two days later, a pastor from a nearby town showed up for the funeral, called by the local church to officiate. He too was cornered by the town thug. "Just tell everyone what a saint my brother was," he growled, "and you'll have more money than you know what to do with." The pastor considered for a moment, then pocketed a wad of bills.

The funeral was packed, since few dared to be absent, and the service proceeded in routine fashion until the pastor stood to deliver the eulogy.

"This man," he said, gesturing toward the casket, "was a bully, a thief and a coward. But," the pastor continued, compared to his brother, he was a saint!"

 

How do you make a Yugo go faster?

Pull it with a tow truck.

 

Did you hear that the Los Angeles police department is thinking of changing it's motto?

Yeah. They're going to change it from "To Protect and To Serve" to "We treat you like a King!"

 

The courtroom was packed as testimony began in the hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her husband of 30 years by lacing his coffee with arsenic. The defense attorney knew he had his work cut out in order to make his client appear more sympathetic to the judge.

"Mrs. Ross," he began hopefully, "was there any point during the commission of this crime that you felt pity for your husband?"

"Oh, yes sir!" she replied.

"And," pressed her attorney, "when was that?"

"When he asked for a second cup."

 

The carpet layer had been working all day installing wall-to-wall carpet.

When he noticed a lump under the carpet in the center of the room, he felt his shirt pocket for his pack of cigarettes and, sure enough, they were gone. He wasn't about to undo all of his hard work, so he took a two-by-four and his hammer and tapped down the lump until it was smooth. He packed up his tools and carried them to the truck.

Then, two things happened simultaneously. He saw his cigarettes on the front seat of his vehicle, and the lady of the house called to him, "Have you seen my parakeet anywhere?"

 

First voice: Our radar has you on a collision course with us. Suggest you alter your course ten degrees south."

Second voice: And we have you on OUR radar. Suggest you alter course ten degrees north.

First voice: We have Admiral Goodman aboard. Strongly suggest you alter your course ten degrees south as we are a BATTLESHIP!

Second voice: This is Seamen Farnsworth. Still suggest you alter your course 10 degrees to the north as I'm not moving. This is a LIGHTHOUSE!

 

Doing what you enjoy is freedom, but enjoying what you do is happiness!

 

Some people are alive today simply because it's illegal to kill them.

 

If TV doesn't start getting better soon, I'm going to start talking to my family again.

 

A gambling problem is only a problem when you don't win.

 

The truth never hurts unless you tell it to a big guy.

 

You know it's going to be a bad day when they roll you into surgery and the doctor has little pieces of toilet paper stuck to his chin.

 

Flying increases your appreciation of bathrooms that stand still while you're using them.

 

Two things to look for in a luxury car are an unlocked door and a set of keys in the ignition.

 

My car had a rattling noise in the back, so I asked my mechanic about it.

He said I should consider letting my mother-in-law out of the trunk.

 

This is a strange but true fact about the human body: If all of your blood vessels were laid end-to-end, you'd be in a lot of pain.

 

A kid with a few packages in his arms asked a passerby, "Will you open the gate for me?"

The passerby said, "Of course, sonny."

The kid replied," Thanks. The gate was just painted and I didn't want to get my hands messy."

 

What's the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent man?

Bigfoot has been spotted.

 

What do you call a man who loses 99% of his brain?

Divorced.

 

Buddha was resurrected and wound up in New York City. Walking down the street, the first friendly face he saw belonged to a hot dog vendor.

Walking up to the man, Buddha said, "Make me One with Everything!"

 

The doctor spoke to his patient, "I've got some good news for you and some bad news. The bad news is you've got a serious disease. Only one in ten people with this disease survive."

The man broke down and wept, but at last he summoned the fortitude to ask the doctor about the good news.

"The good news is, the last nine patients I had with this disease died."

 

How many body builders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three. One to screw it in and two to chant, "You're looking huge man, you're looking huge!"

 

Did you hear about the new holiday package that Liberty Travel has put together?

It's a four week vacation in Iraq with access to it's newly opened 470,000 hole golf course.

 

John: Did you hear about the new restaurant that just opened on the moon?

Ed: No, tell me about it.

John: Well, the food is wonderful, but it has no atmosphere.

 

Ed: What time is it when Dracula goes to the dentist?

John: I don't know.

Ed: Tooth hurty.

 

John: Did you know I was going to be a professional parachutist?

Ed: Oh, yeah? What happened?

John: Things just didn't open up for me.

 

Why was the moron fired from the orange juice factory?

Because he just couldn't concentrate!

 

"I'm so happy!" one fly said to the other.

"How come?" queried the second fly

"Because I just passed my screen test with flying colors!"

 

Confucius say, "Give some men an inch, and they think they are rulers!"

 

Ed: My uncle and I went on a safari to Africa last year.

John: Oh, yeah? How did it go?

Ed: We spotted a leopard.

John: Don't be silly. They're born that way!

 

Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news.

Ed: Give me the bad news first.

Doctor: You have canary disease.

Ed: Now give me the good news.

Doctor: It's tweetable.

 

Caveman 1: I heard that you hurt your back. What happened?

Caveman 2: I did it while hunting dinosaurs.

Caveman 1: Oh yeah? What happened - did one chase you?

Caveman 2: No - I did it while moving the decoys.

 

Finn and Huck were good friends. Huck died. No one was worried though.

Everyone said, "Huck'll bury Finn."

 

What do you do with a blue tomato?

Cheer it up.

 

The young boy threw his math book across the table. "Dad," he said, "I can't do this homework!"

"I know how you feel, son," said Dad. "Why I remember the hardest assignment I ever had in school. In biology we had an assignment where we had to write an essay on a frog. I had the darndest time getting that frog into the typewriter!"

 

What's green, red and yellow and goes up and down?

A pickle, a tomato and a banana in an elevator.

 

A traveler was in Paris one day and he saw a pedestrian with a white head of hair and a black beard. Plagued with curiosity, he walked over to the man and said, "Tell me, sir, why you have a white head of hair but a black beard?"

"But it is so obvious," said the man. "My head is twenty years older than my beard!"

 

The army had been in battle for weeks and the men were grumbling. Finally the General called the men together and said, "Men, I have some good news for you and some bad. The good news is that each of you will get a change of socks today!"

The men cheered.

"The bad news is," continued the General, "Hayes, you will change with Brown, Brown, you will change with Evans, Evans, you will ..."

 

Did you hear about the author who dropped 11 stories into a wastebasket and lived?

 

Shakespeare: I've written a good play, but I think the title is too long.

Sir Francis: What have you called it?

Shakespeare: "Julius, Grab the Girl Quickly Before She Gets Away!"

Sir Francis: Why not just call it, "Julius Caesar!"

 

Traveler: I'd like a round trip ticket please.

Ticket Agent: I'm sorry, but all of our trip tickets are square.

 

Doctor: I want you to take one of these white pills in the morning with a glass of water, I want you to take one of these blue pills at noon with a glass of water, and I want you to take one of these red pills at dinner time with a glass of water!

Patient: Tell me, Doc, what is it? What's wrong with me?

Doctor: You're not drinking enough water.

 

Then there was the guy whose name was Joe Idiot. He hated it and decided to go to court to have it changed. He wanted to be called Frank Idiot.

 

Employer: Ed, what are you doing here? Didn't you get my letter telling you that you were fired?

Ed: Yessir, but on the envelope it said, "Return after 5 days." So here I am!

 

Ed and John went to summer camp together. One evening around the campfire, Ed sprayed himself all over with bug repellent. The next morning when her woke up, his watch wasn't working and so he told John.

John replied, "Hmmm - maybe when you used the bug spray you killed all the ticks!"

 

John: I went riding last night.

Ed: Horseback?

John: Oh, yeah! She got back about half-an-hour after I did!

 

Why was Cleopatra always saying no?

Because she was Queen of Denial.

 

Did you hear about the bear that learned Kung-Fu?

He called himself Grizz-Lee.

 

Ed: It rained the whole time I was on vacation.

John: It looks like you got a good tan anyway!

Ed: That's not a tan - that's rust!

 

"Father, my dog just died," the woman sobbed to her priest. "Will you bury it for me?"

"Madam," the pastor replied, "It has never been, nor will it ever be, the practice of the Catholic Church to hold services for a dog."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said the woman. "I would have paid $5,000 to the church for it."

"Wait a minute!" said the priest. "You didn't tell me that the dog was Catholic!"

 

Some bags of old tattered bills were returned to the US Treasury. A $1 bill and a $20 in the same sack got talking. "Gee, I went to nice stores, good restaurants, country clubs and exotic laces," said the $20 bill. "How about you?"

The $1 bill replied, "All I ever did was go to church, go to church, go to church..."

 

The tour guide at Niagara Falls was showing a group of Texans the spectacular sight. "Do you have anything that big in Texas?" he asked one man.

"No," came the reply, "but we've got a plumber who can fix this leak in half-an-hour!"

 

First woman: I've got my husband eating out of my hand!

Second woman: Beats washing dishes, doesn't it?

 

A count who was the leader of a rebel movement was thrown into prison. The king confronted him and demanded to know the names of the other rebels. The count refused to reveal their identities - even under torture.

"Behead him!" the king ordered vehemently.

The count was dragged to the place of execution. "If you tell me the names I want, I will spare you," the king said. Still the count shook his head and refused to talk.

As the count's head was positioned under the blade, the king warned, "This is your last chance!" The rebel remained silent.

"Go ahead," the king ordered. The executioner made his move.

At that moment, the count's nerve broke. "Wait! Wait! I'll tell you..." But it was too late. The ax had done its work.

Furious, the king turned to the executioner. "How often have I told you," he yelled, "not to hatchet your counts before they chicken?"

 

What's the fastest way to make a million dollars?

Become a plastic surgeon and work part time.

 

A drunk walked into a bar sobbing as though his heart was broken. "Hey, Buddy, what's wrong?" asked one of the men hanging out at the bar.

"I did a horrible thing," confessed the drunk. "Just a couple of hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Vodka."

"Jeez, no wonder you feel bad," consoled the other bar jockey. "That was a horrible thing to do. Now I guess you wish you had her back, huh?"

"You bet. I could sure use another bottle of vodka!"

 

A bounty hunter wandered into town and asked the sheriff if there were any outlaws in the community that needed capturing.

"Only one," the sheriff said, "and he's a strange one."

"What makes him strange?"

"Well," answered the sheriff, "he's mean like other outlaws, but he wears a paper hat, paper shirt, paper vest and paper pants."

"What's he wanted for?"

"Rustling."

 

Mother: Your aunt won't kiss you good-bye if you have a dirty face.

Son: That's what I'm counting on!

 

Two guys got lost while camping in the woods one weekend. When they finally made it back to their camp, it was late, both were exhausted and neither was speaking to the other. Before going to sleep, one guy found a piece of paper and wrote a note to his companion, "Since you are an early riser, please wake me at daybreak." He pinned the note to his friend's sleeping bag.

Next day at first light the early-riser found the note on his sleeping bag.

He turned the paper over, wrote "It's daybreak - get up now", pinned it to the sleeping bag of the first guy, and left for his morning chores.

 

John: What was the President's name in 1959?

Ed: I can't remember.

John: Same as it is now - Bill Clinton.

 

Mailman: Pardon me, sir. Is this package for you? The name is smudged.

Guy: Must not be for me - my name is Smith.

 

Ed: I don't want to scare you, Mr. Brown, but you may get hurt.

Teacher: How's that, Ed?

Ed: Well sir, when I took my report card home yesterday, my dad said if I didn't get better grades, someone was going to get a spanking!

 

Farmer John: Do you like raisin bread?

Farmer Ed: Don't know. Ain't never tried raisin it!

 

Where did the Egyptian go when he had a bad back?

To the Cairo - practor.

 

A traveling salesman parked his small, foreign sports car in front of a country grocery. When he came out, a farmer was looking over his car.

"How do you like it?" asked the salesman.

The farmer smiled. "Looks like you picked it before it was ripe!"

 

Once upon a time there was a snake named Nate who lived in the desert guarding a lever which, if pulled, would split the earth in two. Then one hot summer day, a man was speeding down the highway in his car when Nate happened to be sunning himself on the usually deserted road just a few feet away from the lever. The speeding man saw Nate and the lever at nearly the same time. Unable to swerve out of the way entirely, the driver had to make a decision as to which he would run over - Nate the snake or the lever that would cut the world in two.

Well, I'm sorry to say, Nate is no longer with us. But, if you're sad, just remember what that driver thought to himself at the last moment – better Nate than lever!

 

What kind of underwear did the knights of the round table wear?

Fruit of aluminum!

 

Having delivered a keynote address at a V.F.W. convention, Dan Quayle found time to share a couple of beers and a little conversation with some young vets. Eventually talk came around to combat experience. A burly marine took off his hat, pointed to a jagged scar atop his head and said, "See that? Panama City."

Not to be outdone, an army grunt pulled up his trousers and displayed an artificial leg. "See that?" he said. "Kuwait City."

Silence fell and attention turned to Dan. Finally he pulled up his shirt, lowered his pants and pointed to a crescent shaped scar on his stomach.

"See that?" he said. "Appendicity."

 

How does a civil servant wink?

He opens one eyelid.

 

In a Catholic neighborhood of a small midwestern town, the faithful still observed a meatless Friday. The lone Methodist resident, however, frequently grilled steaks on his barbecue on Friday.

The neighbors figured if they could just get this fellow to convert, the temptation would be eliminated. In time, they succeeded. On the man's conversion day, the priest spoke directly to the newest member of the flock. "You were born a Methodist," he intoned, "and you were raised a Methodist. Now you are a Catholic."

Everything went well until the next Friday, when an overpowering aroma of steak again filled the air. Searching for the source of the smell, the neighbors finally found the new convert standing over his grill looking down on a sizzling steak. "You were born a steer, you were raised a steer," he said to the steak, "but now you are a fish."

 

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to screw it most of the way in and one to give it a surprising twist at the end.

 

Shortly after a car was broadsided at a busy intersection, a good Samaritan rushed to see if anyone was hurt. He saw that the driver was dazed and bleeding.

"Hang in there, lady" he said. "Are you badly hurt?"

"How should I know?" she quickly responded. "I'm a doctor, not a lawyer!"

 

Did you hear about the guy that was just found dead in Battle Creek, Michigan? Police say the man was found in a bathtub full of milk and his mouth was stuffed with a banana. The preliminary police report suggested that it was the work of a cereal killer.

 

What did the blonde say when she was asked to become a Jehovah's Witness?

"Hey, I didn't even see the accident!"

 

"Hadley, I know you've always been embarrassed by the fact that Hadley Junior was born mentally retarded, and have done your best to ignore his existence," said Mrs. Withington firmly, "but today is his tenth birthday and you own him some sort of appropriate gesture."

Mr. Wirthington set aside his newspaper and nodded in agreement. "I suppose you are right. Have Nurse Hawkins wheel him into my study when I get home from the club this evening."

At the appointed hour, Hadley Junior sat in front of his father, who took a deep breath and began, "Happy birthday ... and I suppose the time is right for a man to thing chat."

 

"Great news, Mr. Oscarson," the psychiatrist reported. "After eighteen months of therapy, I can pronounce you finally and completely cured of your kleptomania. You'll never be trapped by the desire to steal again."

"Gee, that's great, Doc," the patient replied.

"And just to prove it, I want you to stop by Sears on the way home and walk the length of the store. You'll see - you'll feel no temptation to shoplift whatsoever."

"Oh, Doctor, whatever can I do to thank you?"

"Well," suggested the psychiatrist, "if you DO have a relapse, I could use a new microwave."

 

Why was Cinderella thrown off the baseball team?

Because she ran away from the ball.

 

Why do good bowlers bowl so slowly?

So they have time to spare.

 

Why did the moron sit on her watch?

She wanted to be on time.

 

Where does Friday come before Thursday?

In the dictionary.

 

What should you do with a green monster?

Wait until it ripens.

 

What sits on the bottom of the ocean and quakes?

A nervous wreck.

 

Why does the Statue of Liberty stand in New York harbor?

Because she can't sit down.

 

Why is carjacking so popular in New York City?

It's easier than getting a cab.

 

What do you have if a midget psychic is running from the police?

A small medium at large.

 

What's big and red and eats rocks?

A big red rock eater.

 

Why do witches ride on brooms?

Because vacuum cleaners are too hard to fly.

 

Jack and Mugs, two second-story men from Flatbush, were comparing notes on recent burglaries. "Didja get anything on that last heist?" asked Jack.

"Nutin' at all," Mugs admitted. "Toins out dat de guy who lives dere is a lawyer."

"Jeez, ain't dat da breaks," his friend sympathized. "Didja lose anything?"

 

Did you hear about the poor guy at GE who used up all his sick days and STILL wasn't better?

He called in dead.

 

"How're things with you and Marge?" a friend asked Ken.

"Well, as usual, we couldn't agree," Ken replied. "She wanted a mink coat and I wanted a Porsche."

"What happened?"

"Actually, we compromised. We bought the mink coat, but we keep it in the garage."

 

What has 18 legs and catches flies?

A baseball team.

 

What has 4 wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.

 

Why did the blonde put her watch under her desk?

Because she heard she could earn more if she worked over time.

 

A lawyer dies and is met at the pearly gates by St. Peter, God, Noah and all of the 12 disciples. "Why the huge welcome?" the lawyer asked.

"Because you're the oldest man ever to reach the pearly gates!" replied God.

"But, how can that be?" asked the lawyer. "I'm only 63."

"Not according to all of the time you've billed your clients!"

 

Why do elephants lie on their backs with their feet in the air?

So they can trip the birds.

 

More than anything else, dim Dougie wanted to be a cowboy. He clearly didn't have enough brains to succeed at any sort of clerical work, but he was a sturdy boy, so a local rancher took pity and decided to give him a chance.

"I'm sure you've seen one of these," the rancher began, putting his arm around Dougie's shoulders and showing him a long rope. "It's a lariat - we use it to catch cows."

"Okay, sir," said Dougie, his brow furrowed in concentration. "And what do you use for bait?"

 

An ecclesiastical conference was housed at a Holiday Inn for the weekend, and the hotel manager was aghast to learn that the clergymen had accidentally been served a watermelon spiked with vodka. Nervously he hovered by the door to the dining room.

"Well," he whispered to the headwaiter," any complaints? Any reaction at all?"

"Relax, Mr. Smith," said the waiter. "They're all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."

 

Smith was a man of cold facts, a scientist, a computer jock, and a confirmed atheist. He became somewhat obsessed with the desire to prove the truth as he saw it. So he mortgaged his house and sold his car in order to put a downpayment on the most powerful computer commercially available. Then Smith plugged it into every data bank in the world, accessed every library in the United States and Europe, and had the machine scan every book published since the invention of the printing press. Finally Smith sat down at the console, took a deep breath, and typed, "Is there a God?"

The monitor flickered, the hard drives clicked, and up on the screen came the words, "There is now!"

 

The congregation liked their new clergyman, but were somewhat puzzled by his speaking style. His first sermon ran only 8 minutes; the second Sunday he spoke for 45 minutes; the third week he rattled on for an hour-and-a-half. That was enough for the Board to summon him for a little chat.

To their relief, Wilkerson had a ready explanation. "The Saturday before the first sermon, I had my teeth pulled and my mouth was still terribly sore. But, by the time a week had gone by, I'd gotten used to my new dentures." Here the minister paused, and blushed deeply. "And as for last Sunday ... well, I'm afraid that I picked up my wife's set of teeth by mistake!"

 

How about the woman who sent 1500 perfumed Valentine's signed, "Guess who?"

She's a divorce lawyer.

 

A man walks in a pub and asks who owns the big dog that was hanging around outside. A rather large man seated at the bar stood up and said, "You mean the Great Dane? He's mine. Why do you ask?"

"I'm afraid," said the man who had just entered, "that my dog just killed your dog."

"How can that be? I've trained that Great Dane since he was a pup. He's vicious and a trained attack dog. What kind of dog do you have?"

"A dachshund."

"You've got to be kidding. How did your dog kill mine?"

"He got caught in your dog's throat."

 

A man has been drinking at his favorite pub for hours and is totally trashed, stewed to the gills even. He walks outside and pukes all over a little Chihuahua that's been sitting by the curb. The drunk looks down at the poor animal that's struggling in the mess and exclaims, "Good Lord! I don't remember eating that!"

 

A nun walked in the back door of the monastery to find a brown-robed figure frying potato chips in hot oil. "Are you the chip monk?" she asked.

"No," he replied. "I'm a friar."

 

The mother of one teenager caught on to "jive talk" quickly.

Her daughter asked, "Mama, can I hit the flick?"

Mama replied, "I don't understand."

"Oh, Mama," said the daughter, "you're so out of it! Hit the flick is teen talk for go to the movies."

"In that case," replied Mama, "you can hit the flick after you rub the tub, scour the shower, spread the bed and swish the dish."

 

Bush, Quayle, Perot and Clinton all went to see the Wizard of Oz. Turns out that Bush wanted a heart, Quayle wanted a brain, Perot wanted some courage and Clinton wanted Dorothy.

 

Bob went to visit a friend in her new high rise apartment. While his friend, Sue, was fixing supper for him, he started playing with her little dog, PeeWee. He would roll the ball and the dog would fetch it. After several minutes of this play, Bob accidentally rolled the ball right out the balcony door and through the railing while PeeWee chased right behind it. The splat 8 stories down wasn't even audible.

When Sue returned to the living room, Bob said, "Have you noticed how depressed PeeWee has been looking?"

 

Why is life just like a shower?

One wrong turn and you're in hot water!

 

What should you do if you don't feel well?

Take off your gloves.

 

How can you keep flies out of your kitchen?

Keep a bucket of manure in the living room.

 

Knock knock! Who's there?

Noah. Noah who?

Noah a good place to have supper?

 

Teacher: Can anyone give me a sentence with the word 'analyze' in it?

Chet: Anna said she met U2 at a concert, but Anna lies.

 

Two neighbors were having a chat across the backyard fence. "My son is learning to play football this year," said one mother.

"What position does he play?" asked the other.

"The coach said he's a 'drawback.'"

 

What's the best thing to give a seasick elephant?

Plenty of room.

 

Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm invisible?

Who said that?

 

What's sweet and sour and dangerous?

Take-out kung food.

 

What's a cannibal's favorite game?

Swallow the leader.

 

It was on a holiday flight and one little boy kept running up and down the aisles, annoying all of the passengers. His parents were so engrossed in the movie that they didn't notice the trouble he was creating.

Finally, one man got so irritated, he yelled to the boy, "Sonny, why don't you go outside and play?"

 

Knock knock. Who's there?

Ammonia. Ammonia who?

Ammonia little girl and I can't reach the bell.

 

First monster: The beautiful girl over there just rolled her eyes at me.

Second monster: Well, you'd better roll them back - she might need them!

 

Little Miss Muffet

Sat on a tuffet

Eating a bowl of stew.

Along came a spider

And sat down beside her.

Guess what? She ate him up too!

 

Bob: My girlfriend and I had an argument last night. She wanted to go watch ice skating and I wanted to watch football.

Ed: How was the ice skating, anyway?

 

Doctor, Doctor - please help me out!

Certainly - which way did you come in?

 

What's the silliest country in the world?

Twitzerland.

 

What did the monster say when he saw Snow White and the seven dwarves?

"Yum, yum!"

 

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three. A right ear, a left ear and a final frontier.

 

Tagline: 5 out of every 4 people have trouble with fractions.

 

What do you call any mistake a ghost makes?

A boo-boo.

 

When I die, please bury me deep,

Bury my history books at my feet.

Tell the teacher I've gone to rest -

And won't be back for the history test.

 

What's a twip?

When a wabbit takes a twain wide.

 

Where can you find baby soldiers?

In the infantry.

 

Mommy, Mommy! It's really getting hot in here. Can I come out now?

No, dear. Do you want the REST of the house to catch on fire too?

 

Why did the old lady cover her mouth with both hands when she sneezed?

To catch her false teeth.

 

Knock knock. Who's there?

Sheila B. Sheila B. who?

Sheila B. comin' 'round the mountain, when she comes.

 

There was a fight at the seafood restaurant last night - a whole lot of fish got battered!

 

Why was the cannibal expelled from school?

For buttering up the teachers.

 

Doctor, Doctor! I keep seeing double!

Take a seat, please.

Which one?

 

Police have just reported that a truckload of prunes was hijacked on the thruway. They're looking for a man on the run.

 

Why did the monster have to buy two tickets when he went to the zoo?

One to get in - and one to get out.

 

Tagline: A man is known by the company he avoids.

 

It took Shelley three years to realize that going to a psychiatrist every week wasn't doing any good at all. Now she was broke when, to begin with, she had only been cracked.

 

At first Mrs. Swindon refused to serve on a jury because she was not a believer in capital punishment and didn't want her beliefs to get in the way of the trial. "But madam," said the public defender, who had taken a liking to her looks and calm demeanor, "this is not a murder trial. It is merely a civil lawsuit being brought by a wife against her husband. He gambled away the twelve thousand dollars he'd promised to spend on a sable coat for her birthday."

"Hmmmm," mused Mrs. Swindon. "Okay, I'll serve. I might be wrong about capital punishment."

 

Why is beauty more important for a woman than brains?

Because plenty of men are stupid but not very many are blind.

 

What do you call a dog with only three legs?

Tippy.

 

"Gee, I hope the weather is going to be good this weekend," said the mother kangaroo to her fellow homemaker. "It really wears me out when the kids have to play inside."

 

Did you hear about the veterinarian and the taxidermist who went into business together?

Their slogan was, "Either way, you get your pet back."

 

Fernandez had made a lot of money in show business as a ventriloquist and decided to retire as a gentleman farmer. He selected a farm that he liked, but found it somewhat overpriced, so he decided to have a little fun with the farmer as they toured the outbuildings.

"How's the barn holding up?" Fernandez asked a swayback horse in a corner stall.

"The roof leaks, the tractor's thirty-five years old," replied the horse.

The farmer, not realizing it was Fernandez throwing his voice, turned pale.

"Mooo," said the cow in response to the showman's next question. "My stall's falling apart and my feed is all moldy." The farmer started to quake.

Next were the chickens. "We need a new coop and there are holes in the fencing," they cackled.

"Now, just a dang minute," interrupted the farmer, grabbing his perspective buyer by the shoulders. "Don't talk to the sheep - they lie!"

 

Vernon, where's your homework?" Miss Martin looked down sternly at the little boy and held out her hand.

"My dog ate it," was his solemn response.

"Vernon, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"

"But it's true, Miss Martin, I swear!" insisted the boy. "I had to force him, but he ate it!"

 

What do you have to know before you can start training a new pet?

More than the pet.

 

Which has more legs - an elephant or no elephant?

No elephant, of course. You see, no elephant has 8 legs while an elephant has only 4 legs.

 

Why did the farmer plow his field with a steam roller?

Because he wanted to grow mashed potatoes.

 

Taglines: I never met a kid I liked. (W.C. Fields)

 

What's black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A zebra with a set of drums.

 

There once was a man who went to work every morning on an egg. One morning when he went out to go to work, his egg wouldn't start, so he called the AAA. The representative on the phone suggested he try taking out the yolk, so the man did that.

Sure enough, the egg started and the man drove happily off to work. When he got there, he called the AAA back and reported to the lady that his egg was all white now!

 

Knock knock. Who's there?

Jupiter. Jupiter who?

Jupiter hurry or you'll be late for school.

 

Ben's dad was building a pine bookcase and Ben was watching, and sometimes helping.

"What are the holes for?" he finally asked his dad.

"They're knot holes," explained his father.

"Well," said Ben, "if they're not holes, then what are they?"

 

Waiter, Waiter! Do they ever change the tablecloths in this filthy restaurant?

I don't know, sir. I've only worked here for a year!

 

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming?

"Here come the elephants!"

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming with sunglasses on?

Nothing. He didn't recognize them.

 

Did you hear about the dentist who became a brain surgeon?

His drill slipped.

 

What do you call a pretty girl in the Fulton high school?

A visitor.

 

Why does Fulton still play football on real turf?

So their cheerleaders can graze.

 

A man walked into a fancy dress store and announced to the owner, "I'm the greatest salesperson ever and I want a job."

"That's quite a claim," the owner responded, "but, unfortunately, I don't have any openings."

Undaunted, the salesperson asked, "How many dresses does your best salesperson sell in a day?"

"Five or six."

Without blinking an eye, the fellow claimed, "I'll sell twelve and I'll do it without any pay or commission."

The owner, knowing she couldn't lose, agreed. And indeed, just an hour before closing, the new salesperson had sold 18 dresses. "Do I get the job now?" he asked.

"I've got one more test for you," the owner declared. "After all, you're asking me to fire one of my loyal employees in order to hire you."

The owner disappeared into the storage room for a minute, then came out holding one of the most hideous dresses the salesman had ever seen.

"Sell this dress by the time the store closes tonight, and the job is yours."

Forty-five minutes later the guy walked into her office and threw down the sales receipt. "I'm amazed," the owner admitted in amazement.

"You've got the job. How on earth did you convince somebody to buy that thing?"

"Getting the woman to buy it wasn't the problem. The hard part was strangling her seeing-eye dog."

 

What's the hardest part about learning to ride a horse?

The ground.

 

Two kids are at summer camp. "I have a ten foot bed," said the first.

The second, kid replied, "That's a lot of bunk!"

 

How many sandwiches can you put into an empty picnic basket?

Only one - after that, it's not empty any more.

 

Mother: How was summer school today?

Son: Awful. I was stung by a spelling bee.

 

What do you get if you walk through a field full of four-leaf clover and poison ivy?

A rash of good luck.

 

Why aren't elephants allowed on the beaches in Syracuse?

They can't keep their trunks up.

 

Mom, may I go out and play?

With those holes in your socks?

No. With my baseball.

 

What's green, has two legs and a trunk?

A seasick tourist.

 

What has four legs and flies?

A picnic table.

 

What do you get if you cross a stream and a brook?

Wet feet.

 

Game Warden: Have you ever hunted bear?

Tourist: No, but I've gone fishing in my shorts.

 

What happened to the little girl who drank eight Cokes?

She burped seven-up.

And what happened when she ran out of Coke?

She drank Canada Dry!

 

Why are mosquitoes like arithmetic?

Because they add to misery, subtract from pleasure, divide your attention and multiply quickly.

 

One boy: If you broke your arm in two places, what would you do about it?

Second boy: Never go back to those two places again!

 

Why did the tourists at the dude ranch ride the horses?

Because the horses were too heavy to carry.

 

Two girls were on their first camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the girls hid under their blankets to avoid being bitten. When one of them peeked out and saw some lightning bugs, she said to her friend, "We might as well give up. They're coming after us with flashlights!"

 

Where do cowboys send their shoes during the summer months?

To boot camp.

 

Why couldn't Batman go fishing?

Because Robin ate all of the worms.

 

Tourist: Is it true that the bears around here won't attack you if you're carrying a flashlight?

Park Ranger: That depends on how fast you're carrying the flashlight.

 

Tagline: If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.

 

Ed and Jim came across an elephant while they were out for a bike ride one day. Not quite sure what they should do, Jim offered, "I know! I'll take him to the zoo!"

Ed thought that was a great idea, so he peddled on home while Jim took off with the elephant.

The next day, Ed was riding around on his bike again and he saw Jim still leading the elephant around.

"I thought you were going to take that elephant to the zoo yesterday." Said Ed.

"I did," said Jim. "And today I'm taking him to the movies!"

 

How can you tell if there's an elephant in your car?

It's hard to close the car door.

 

Dad: How'd you do on your history test yesterday?

Daughter: I nearly got a 100.

Dad: What do you mean - "nearly 100?"

Daughter: Well, I got the two zeros!

 

City boy: What is the name of your ranch?

Rancher: The XYZ Lazy R Double Diamond Circle Q Bar S Ranch.

City Boy: How many cattle do you have?

Rancher: Not many - for some reason, most of the calves don't survive the branding.

 

 

The panhandler approached Uncle Stanley. "Kin ya spare 5 bucks for a cuppa joe?" he asked.

"Five dollars!" Stanley was taken aback. "That seems like a lot of money for a cup of coffee!"

"Well, ya see," said the bum, "it's me wife's boithday and I was hopin' to knock off early."

 

Dad: Who was that man I saw you kissing last night?

Teenage daughter: I'm not sure - what time was it?

 

Everyone in my family was named Irving - except for my mother, of course.

We couldn't call her Irving - her sister was named Irving.

And there were three kids in my family - one of each sex.

Father got so angry once that he hit the ceiling - knocked large chunks right out. It was the only time I saw him get plastered without going out.

My brother got the electric chair. Every year, on his special day, we put a wreath on the fuse box.

 

The lawyer was standing at the curb when a friend from his old home town, whom he hadn't seen in years, approached. They embraced, but the friend was really quite serious. "I'm awfully sorry to tell you this," said the visitor, "but your Aunt Cecily is in jail as she was unable to pay her bills."

"Glad you told me," said the lawyer. "I'm glad to hear that she's being provided for!"

 

Two friends of long standing were sitting at the bar, drinking heavily.

"John, old buddy," said one, staring into the bottom of his drink, "I hate to be the one who told you so, but your wife is really fickle!"

John nodded his head somberly. "Ah! So she's dumped you too, ey?"

 

Your mother's so fat, when God said, "Let there be Light,", he told her to move her fat butt out of the way.

 

When your mother said she wanted to get an all-over tan, she was expecting too much from the sun.

 

Your mom's so fat that she uses a pillow case as a sock.

 

Your mom's so fat that when she fell and broke her leg, gravy poured out.

 

A love poem to your mama:

Roses are red,

Grass is green,

You've got a shape

Like a washing machine.

 

 

Baby-sitter: "While you were gone, Ma'am, the baby swallowed a bug."

Mom: :Great heavens! What did you do?"

Baby-sitter (proudly): "Oh, I took care of him. I made him swallow some insect powder to kill the bug."

 

Irritated Wife: "What do you MEAN by coming home half drunk?"

Hubby: "It's not my fault - I ran out of money."

 

A man was complaining to a friend -"I had it all--Money, a beautiful house, a BIG car, the love of a beautiful woman--then, POW! it was all gone!"

"What happened?" asked the friend.

"My wife found out----"

 

What do you call a man with no arms or legs: if you throw him in the lake?...BOB.

Throw him with a lot of force?...SKIP.

Leave him on the door step?...MATT.

Hang him on the wall? ...ART.

In a pile of leaves?...RUSSELL.

In a hot tub?...STU.

What do you call a girl with one arm and one leg?...EILENE.

What do you call her if you're Japanese?...IRENE.

What do you call an Irish man w/ no arms and no legs and bouncing around the room?...Rick O" Shea.

 

The San Jose Sharks hockey team recently sponsored a father/son night as part of the festivities, there was a drawing, and one of the prizes was a dinner for the winning father and son with the Sharks' goalie, Arturs Irbe.

Well, the winning group went out to eat, and it must have been something to see-the father, the son, and the goalie host.

 

A boy scout troop went on a hike. Crossing over a stream, one of the boys dropped his wallet into the water. Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed the wallet and tossed it to another carp. Then that carp passed it to another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and passed the wallet back and forth.

"Well boys" said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case of carp-to-carp walleting."

 

Notre Dame started having strange sounds. Police were called in to find what was causing these sounds. All they could report was sometimes seeing a small brown object disappearing around corners and down holes. Weeks went by, when finally a small boy opened a door into a room to see a bag crossing the room.

This was the lunch bag of Notre Dame.

 

I went to the bank the other day... I asked the banker to check my balance. So he pushed me!!!

 

A very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist. She walked into his office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no man will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"

"I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."

 

The doctor tells his patient: "Well I have good new and bad news..."

The patient says "Lay it on me Doc. What's the bad news?"

"You have Alzheimer's disease."

"Good heavens! What's the good news?"

"You can go home and forget about it!"

 

A middle-aged man meets a middle-aged woman at a party and they discuss their kids.

"I've a son who's nineteen," said the woman.

"How could you have a son that age?" asked the incredulous man.

"I didn't. He was a baby when I had him."

 

Two cousins were reminiscing at a family reunion. "Why, I remember that my Grandpa Brown used to believe that the secret to a long life was drinking a gallon of water every day," said one.

"Yep," said the other, "and then he'd sit in his rocking chair and slosh back and forth for hours!"

 

Two guys are talking while sitting on a bench in the park. "All of my ancestors followed the medical profession." said the first.

"Doctors?" queried the second.

"Nope. Undertakers and lawyers."

 

Here it is almost spring. I think we'll start the spring cleaning at our house this year by throwing out the Christmas tree.

 

What's white and goes up?

A retarded snowflake.

 

What do you call 100 singing idiots drinking diet soda and eating fruit?

The Moron Tab and Apple Choir.

 

An angry mother took her son to the doctors. "Is a nine-year-old boy able to perform an appendectomy?"

"Of course not," said the doctor impatiently.

The mother turned to her son and said, "There, I told you so. Now put it back!"

 

A class of children from a nearby school was being led through the FBI's local offices. At one point the guide stopped to show them the wall of wanted posters, pointing to one in particular and saying, "This is the most wanted man in America."

One little boy pointed to a photograph and said, "Is that his picture?"

The FBI agent assured the little boy that that was indeed, the photograph of the most wanted man.

The boy looked at the agent and asked, "Then why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

 

What's pink, has a curly tail and drinks blood?

A hampire.

 

A boy wanders into a pet store and asks for a quarter's worth of bird seed.

The clerk smiles at this strange request and asks, "How many birds do you have?"

The kid replies, "None, yet. But I hope to grow some!"

 

Which is worth more...an old ten dollar bill or a new one?

An old ten dollar bill is always worth more than a new ONE.

 

If your nose runs and your feet smell, what's wrong with you?

You're built upside down!

 

Why haven't they cremated Colonel Sanders yet?

They can't decide whether to do him regular or extra-crispy.

 

What's the difference between Rosanne Barr and a Hell's Angel?

The motorcycle.

 

Did you hear the sad news that all of the California raisins are dead?

All the police know so far is that it is a cereal killer...

 

Why is Nelson Mandella just like an old W.W.II K-ration?

They've both spent a long, long time in the can.

 

What do the German Army and Elizabeth Taylor have in common?

They both lost the Battle of the Bulge.

 

Did you hear that Billy Martin was on the radio?

And on the steering wheel, and on the dashboard and on the carpet ...

 

What did Billy Martin do that no other ballplayer could?

Die sliding home.

 

George Washington will go down in history for saying, " I cannot tell a lie."

Richard Nixon will down in history for saying, "I cannot tell the truth."

And Ronald Reagan will go down in history for saying, "Uh,...I forgot!"

 

"What's wrong, sonny?" asked the old timer sympathetically, coming over to the little kid who was sitting on the curb, crying his heart out.

"I'm crying 'cause I can't do what the big boys do!"

So the old man sat down and wept too.

 

When Irving retired, he and his much younger wife moved to Boca Raton. Once they'd settled in, he decided it was about time to make up a will, so he made an appointment with a lawyer. "It's nice and straightforward," he told the attorney. "Everything goes to my wife, Rachel - the house, the car, the pension, the life insurance - on the condition that she remarry within the year."

"Fine, Mr. Patron," replied the attorney. "But do you mind my asking why the condition?"

"Simple: I want at least one person to be sorry I died."

 

What's the best thing about turning 65?

No more calls from insurance salesmen.

 

The little old lady seated herself right behind the bus driver. Every ten minutes or so she'd pipe up, "Have we reached Oriskany Falls yet, sonny?"

"No, lady, not yet. I'll let you know," he replied, time after time.

The hours passed, the old woman kept asking for Oriskany Falls, and finally the little town came into view. Sighing with relief, the driver slammed on the breaks, pulled over and called out, "This is where you get out, lady."

"Is this Oriskany Falls?"

"YES!" he bellowed. "Get out!"

"Oh, I'm going all the way to Albany, sonny," she explained sweetly. "It's just that my daughter told me that when we got this far, I should take my blood pressure pill."

 

Two old women decided to vacation at a Catskills mountain resort. "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible," commented Gladys after dinner the first night.

Sylvia nodded in agreement. "Yeah, and such small portions, too."

 

How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?

It depends on what kind of insurance the bulb has.

 

The lawyer marched into the brig and announced that she had some good news and some bad news.

"What's the bad news?" asked the hulking private who'd been found guilty of bludgeoning an inoffensive ensign to death.

"The provost marshall has refused to issue a stay of execution."

"Well, what's the good news?"

"I got your voltage reduced."

 

A dog walks into Western Union and asks the clerk to send a telegram. He fills out a form on which he writes down the telegram he wishes to send:

"Bow wow wow, Bow wow wow."

The clerk says, "You can add another 'Bow wow' for the same price."

"But," the dog responded, "wouldn't that sound a little silly?"

 

What do you call a cow spying on another cow?

A steak out.

 

A myth is a female moth.

 

Dead animals make rotten pets.

 

Farmer: Is my pony really sick?

Vet: No. Just a little horse.

 

What do you get when you cross a python with a porcupine?

Ten feet of barbed wire.

 

What kind of luggage do vultures take with them on airplanes?

Carrion.

 

Outside of a dog, a man's best friend is a good book. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

 

One goldfish says to another, "If there is no God, then who changes the water?"

 

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

He was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

Monkey see, monkey do.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

Peer pressure.

 

My neighbor has a dog that is a snob. His name is Fido, but he spells it Phydeaux.

 

To err is human, to moo is bovine.

 

What's the difference between a horse race and an election?

In a horse race, the whole horse wins.

 

Following Thomson's physical, Dr. Munro sent his patient a bill. When a month went by without a remittance, Dr. Munro sent another bill, and then another, and then a fourth, but to no avail. Finally he sent Thomson a pathetic letter, claiming desperately strained circumstances and enclosing a shot of his infant daughter. On the back of the snapshot he wrote, "The reason I need the money you owe me!"

Barely a week later a response from Thomson arrived in the mail. Munro ripped it open eagerly, and found himself holding a picture of a gorgeous woman in a mink coat. On the back of the photograph the patient had scrawled, "The reason I can't pay!"

 

"So tell me, Ms. Harris," asked the personnel director, "have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?"

"Actually, yes," said the applicant modestly. "Last year I had two short stories published in a national magazine and finished a novel."

"Very impressive," replied the interviewer, "but I was thinking more along the lines of skills you could apply during office hours."

"Oh," she started, "but that WAS during office hours."

 

"My daughter Lauren thinks money grows on trees," the overworked businessman complained to his secretary one day. "Tonight she's getting a talking-to that'll really get across the value of a dollar."

"How'd it go?" asked the secretary the next morning.

"Not so good," he admitted glumly. "Now the kid wants her allowance in yen!"

 

Have you seen the new home surgery kit available via mail order?

It's called Suture Self.

 

The nouveau-riche real-estate developer splurged on a Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow and couldn't wait to show it off. So after a meeting with the bank, he offered one of the senior officers a ride home. "Whaddaya think?" he couldn't resist asking his passenger after a mile or two.

"Pretty classy, eh? I bet you've never ridden in one of these before."

"Actually, I have," replied the banker graciously, "but this is the first time in the front seat."

 

The slave driver of the Roman galleon leered down at his galley slaves and bellowed, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you'll be getting double rations tonight!"

The murmuring of the surprised slaves as they struggled with their oars was interrupted by the slave driver. "The bad news is that this afternoon the commander's son wants to water-ski."

 

Miss Horn was grotesquely overweight, so her doctor finally prescribed a strict regimen, telling her it was the only way to avoid serious health problems in the future. "I want you to eat normally for a day, then skip a day, drinking only water. Repeat this three times, and by the time I see you next Thursday you'll have lost at least 6 pounds."

The patient promised to obey, and indeed, when she showed up for her next appointment the next week, she was almost 15 pounds lighter. "Excellent progress, Miss Horn!" enthused the doctor. "And you lost all this weight simply by following my instructions?"

Miss Horn nodded. "It wasn't easy, though, Doctor," she admitted. "On the third day I felt like I was about to die!"

"From hunger, ey?"

"No, no!" she replied. "From skipping."

 

How would you know if you had Alzheimer's?

Even if the doctor had told you yesterday, you'd have forgotten by today.

 

Overheard in a petri dish...

"After they made you, Honey, they threw away the mold!"

 

A young lawyer on his first day on the job heard a knock on his door.

Wanting to impress his visitor, he picked up his phone before inviting the guy in, then went through the motions of winding up a very important call as the stranger stood in front of the desk.

Finally the lawyer looked up at his visitor and said, "What can I do for you?"

The man replied, "I'm from the phone company and I'm here to hook up your phone."

 

And remember the words of the wise philosopher, who once said...

"A closed mouth gathers no feet."

 

What does an Irishman get after eating Italian food?

Gaelic breath.

 

What did the man say when the steamroller ran over his cat?

Nothing. He just stood there with a long puss.

 

Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. After that, it will be okay because you'll be a mile away and you'll have his shoes.

 

During one commercial flight, the attendant handed out gum to the passengers, explaining that it would help relieve the pressure in their ears during the descent. Upon landing, it took one poor passenger nearly an hour to get the gum out of her ears.

 

A man went to a psychic for the first time. He knocked on the door and the psychic called out, "Who's there?"

The man left.

 

The early bird may get the worm, but look what the early worm gets!

 

An old maid was overheard saying to a friend, "I've got a dog that growls, a parrot that swears, a fireplace that smokes and a cat that stays out all night. Why would I want a husband?"

 

Why did the polygamist cross the aisle?

To get to the other bride.

 

Who was the fastest runner in history?

Adam. He was first in the human race.

 

After painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, the Pope asked

Michaelangelo what part of the job was the most difficult. He replied, "Staying in the lines."

 

A dog walks into the unemployment office and asks a man behind the desk if he would help him find work. The man, astonished at the sight of a speaking dog, replies, "I think I can help you."

The guy was immediately on the phone to the circus to find out if they could use the dog in their routine. The dog overhears some of this conversation and says, "I hate to interrupt, but what would the circus want with a brick layer?"

 

At a gift shop, a customer asked about some jewelry. "And what is this necklace made of?"

"Alligator teeth," said the clerk.

"Why is it more expensive than that pearl necklace over there?"

"Well, anyone can open an oyster..."

 

Why can't you hide a dalmation?

Because they are always spotted.

 

A fellow applying for a job as flagman with the Baltimore & Ohio railroad was told the job was his if he could correctly answer a single question: as flagman, what would he do if he saw the Continental Express coming from the east at 100 mph and the Century Limited heading west at 90 mph on the same track?

The fellow pondered that for a few seconds, then answered, "I'd run and fetch my brother - in - law."

"What good would tha do?" asked the interviewer. "Has he worked for the railroad?"

"Nope - and he ain't never seen a train accident, neither!"

 

What has 22 legs and stomps on buffalo?

The Dallas Cowboys.

 

What is the difference between the Buffalo Bills and a dollar bill?

You get four real quarters from a dollar.

 

Why did the President and Mrs. Clinton send Chelsea to private school?

Because, in public school, the secret service agents would have been outgunned.

 

One snake said to another, "I forget - are we poisonous?"

"Why do you want to know?"

The first snake replies, "I just bit my tongue."

 

Why did the widower marry his deceased wife's sister?

He didn't want to break in a new mother-in-law.

 

What do you get when you cross a bee and a dinner bell?

You get a little humdinger.

 

What's the best part about marrying an ugly woman?

In forty years she won't look any uglier.

 

A recently widowed woman was discussing her husband's funeral with a friend. "My husband was well-prepared for his death. He left $2,000 for the service, but I was able to get someone to say some nice words for $200. He left $5,000 for a plot, but I found a spot a little out of the way for $500. And the stone...he left $6,000 for the stone."

"Six thousand dollars for the stone!" said her friend. "You didn't spend the whole $6,000 on a stone, did you?"

"Why not?" said the widow. And holding up her ring finger she queried, "How do you like it?"

 

Why did the groom-to-be commit suicide just before the wedding?

Better dead than wed!

 

What's the number one cause of divorce?

Marriage.

 

What's a "honeymoon salad?"

"Lettuce alone."

 

An Amish couple were on their honeymoon trip in a horse and buggy. The horse started to misbehave, so the bridegroom pulled the rig off to the side of the road, got down, looked the horse right in the eyes and said, "That's once!"

After climbing back aboard, the bridegroom took the reins and they started off again. After another hour, the horse started getting balky again, so the bridegroom pulled the rig off to the side of the road, took a large stick out of the back of the wagon, walked to the front, whacked the horse in the head with the stick, then said, "That's twice."

Once he was back aboard, the bridegroom got the horse back on the road.

They had only traveled for about a half-hour when the horse balked and bucked again. Stopping the rig, the bridegroom got a gun out of the back of the wagon, walked around front, shot the horse in the head and said, "That's three times."

From the wagon seat, the wife began to yell at her husband. "You stupid fool," said the woman, "now you've killed the horse. How're we going to get to our cabin if the horse is dead?"

The husband walked up next to his bride, looked her in the eye and said,

"That's once!"

 

Two depressed men were sitting in the waiting room of a well-known divorce lawyer. One man said, "My wife left me and took everything I had!"

"At least yours left you," said the second man.

 

How can you figure out America's most recent divorce rate?

Count the number of marriages and divide by one.

 

What did the girl think when she met her blind date?

"Well, I've really hit the jerk-pot this time!"

 

And as for HIM - his blind date had everything a man could want: broad sholders and a hairy chest.

 

"Hello," said the vacuum cleaner salesman to the little girl who answered the door. "Would you like to buy a vacuum cleaner? Watch this!" Pushing his way into the house, the salesman dumped a pile of lint and coffee grounds on the shag carpet. "If this vacuum doesn't clean this mess up right away," he boasted with a smile, "why I'll eat it right off the floor!"

At this the little girl turned and started out of the room. "Where you going kid?" called out the salesman. "To get your Mama?"

"No," said the little girl turning to face him. "To get you a knife and fork. See, we don't have any electricity."

 

Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?

Just look at the size of their fingers!

 

What's green and red and travels one-thousand miles per hour?

A frog in a blender.

And what do you get if you add an egg?

Frog-nog. And what happens to you if you drink it?

You croak.

 

Hank was amazed at the length of the funeral procession he saw going down the street. Watching for a while, he observed that the cortege consisted entirely of men and that it was led by a man holding a Doberman Pinscher on a leash. When his curiosity got the better of him, Hank walked up to the man at the head of the line and said, "Please excuse me for the interruption in your time of grief, but I've never seen such a funeral procession. Would you mind telling me who it's for?"

"It's for my mother-in-law," said the mourner. Tightening the leash, he looked down at the dog and said, "My Doberman killed her."

"Gee, that's terrible," said Hank. "But...hmmm...is there any way you might lend me your dog for a day or two?"

The bereaved son-in-law pointed over his shoulder, and said, "Get in line."

 

What's brown and lives in a belfry?

The lunch bag of Notre Dame.

 

What would you get if Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader?

Ella Vader!

 

Why couldn't Motzart find his teacher?

He was Haydn!

Why do witches fly on broomsticks?

Because vacuum cleaners are too expensive!

 

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn't have the guts!

 

What did the monster eat after it had its teeth pulled?

The dentist!

 

Where do baby monsters come from?

Frankenstorks!!

 

What makes the floors of a basketball court get so wet?

The players... they dribble a lot!!

 

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