The Little Collection of Humour
Teacher: Randy, if you put your hand in one pants pocket and found 75 cents, then you put your other hand in your other pants pocket and found 50 cents, what would you have?
Randy: I'd have somebody else's pants on!
Student: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test
Teacher: Neither do I, but it's the lowest grade I can give you!
Teacher: Billy, name five things that contain milk.
Billy: Butter, cheese, ice cream, and um... two cows!
Willie, with a thirst for gore,
Nailed his sister to the door.
Mother said, with humor quaint:
"Now Willie dear,
don't scratch the paint!"
Cathy had a little car
And it was painted red.
And everywhere that Cathy went
The cops picked up the dead!!
A man was seated in the movie house with his arm around a large dog sitting in the seat next to him. The dog was clearly enjoying the picture, even yelping at the funny parts. A man sitting behind them leaned over and said,
"Excuse me, sir, but I can't get over your dog's behavior!"
The man with the dog turned around and said, "Frankly, it surprises me too. He hated the book."
Judge: Does the defendant realize that he was driving down a one-way street?
Defendant: I was driving only one way, your honor!
Judge: Didn't you see the arrows?
Defendant: Arrows? I didn't even see the Indians!
Newsitem: The police have been looking for a suspect with one eye.
Letter to editor: Wouldn't the police have a better chance of catching him if they used two eyes?
While out walking on the African veld one day, a missionary suddenly came face to face with a lion. Thinking that his situation was hopeless, he sank to his knees in prayer, but then became greatly relieved when the lion got down on his knees beside him.
"Dear brother lion," said the missionary, "how heartening it is to find you joining me in Christian prayer when a few moments ago I feared for my life!"
"Don't interrupt," growled the lion, "while I'm saying grace!"
Newsflash: The police ar looking for a man with one eye called Bernie.
Caller: What's the other eye called?
Newsflash: The police want a tall handsome man for assaulting women.
Caller. I'm interested. What does the job pay?
What's green and crawly and has 100 legs?
A centipickle!
What do you get when you put a canary in a blender?
Shredded tweet.
Holdup man to cashier: "The movie was terrible. Give me everybody's money back!"
Susie: Mommy, the new boy next door broke my doll!
Mom: That's too bad, dear. How did it happen?
Susie: I hit him over the head with it!
Mother: Well, Timmy, how did you get along with Dad while I was away?
Timmy: Just fine, Mother. Every morning he took me down to the lake in the boat and made me swim back.
Mother: MY, that's a long swim, isn't it?
Timmy: Oh, I made it all right. The only trouble I really had was getting out of the bag.
Man: My wife's leaving for the West Indies.
Friend: Jamaica?
Man: No. It was her own idea.
Man: I got a brand new sports car for my wife.
Friend: No kidding. How'd you ever get the dealer to make a trade like that?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
There was a rooster on the other side.
Man: Who was that lady I saw you with?
Friend: That was no lady...that was my brother-in-law. He just walks that way!
Nurse: Doctor, there's an invisible man in the waiting room.
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him.
Customer: Do you have talcum powder?
Pharmacist: Yes sir. Please walk this way.
Customer: If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the talcum powder!
Judge: I'm afraid I'll have to have you locked up for the night.
Defendant: What's the charge?
Judge: There's no charge. It's part of the service.
Judge: I find the defendant innocent.
Defandant: Does that mean I can keep the moeny?
Mom: We can't keep a horse in the house. Think of the smell.
Son: Don't worry. They'll get used to it!
Friend: Gee, you smell good. What have you got on?
David: Clean socks.
First guy: Say, are you warm from the sun?
Second guy: No, I'm Smith from the Times.
Patient: Doc, I have trouble falling asleep at night.
Doctor: Well, just lie on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.
It was an amazing coincidence that all three of the daughters in the Potato family came home on the same day to announce that they were going to get married. Father was surprised and figured that he had just better sit down with each girl in order to make sure that they had selected a proper mate.
Calling on his eldest daughter first, they retired to Dad's den.
"So, daughter, tell me about this special guy in your life," said Dad
"Oh, Daddy," gushed his daughter, "I'm so happy! Jimmy Mashedpotato has asked me to marry him and I said yes."
"Well, that's wonderful," said Father. "Jimmy is a wonderful boy and the Mashedpotato family is very respected in our community. You have my blessings."
Calling in his second daughter, Mr. Potato repeated the question he had posed to the eldest. "Oh, Pop," gushed daughter number two, "Eddie Sweetpotato asked me to marry him today and I'm so happy!"
"Well," replied her father, "that's wonderful. Eddie is a nice young man and the Sweetptotato family is very influential. You have my blessings."
Calling in his youngest, Pop Potato was feeling good about the choices his other two daughters had made, and so without hesitation, he once again asked about the young man in her life. "Oh, Dad," gushed daughter number three. "I'm just so excited. Dan Rather has asked me to marry him and I said yes."
"Dan Rather?" exploded her father. "Dan Rather? You can't marry
Rather...he's just a commentator!"
An American couple is visiting Russia for the first time, and while in Moscow, they decide to hire a guide. Using the telephone book, it didn't take them long to hire a tour guide, a young man named Rudolph. The tour began at the Kremlin, proceded to the Bolshoi, and then on to Red Square.
Just after they'd arrived at the square, it began to drizzle a little and Rudolph commented, "It's starting to rain. Perhaps we should return to your hotel."
"No," said the husband. "It is only snowing. Let's continue the tour."
Rudolph again insisted that it was raining and the husband again argued that it was snowing. Two or three more comments about the weather passed before the little woman poked her husband in the ribs and whispered, "Better let him have his way. This is Russia and Rudolph the red knows rain, dear!"
Jane: Am I too late for the garbage?
Garbage man: No, ma'am. Hop right in!
Rick: How was your vacation at the beach?
Dick: Terrible. It was so dull that on the third day the tide went out and never came back!
Jim: Joe is really lazy.
Slim: You're right. I wish he'd at least learn a trade so we'd know just what kind of work he's out of!
Mike: Call me a doctor!
Ike: Why, are you very sick?
Mike: No, I just graduated from medical school!
What's the easiest way to catch a fish?
Get someone to throw one to you.
Sam: What a smart dog to be able to play poker with you!
Fran: Not really. Whenever he gets a good hand, he wags his tail.
Bob: Every day my dog and I go for a tramp in the woods.
Rob: The dog must enjoy that.
Bob: He sure does, but I think the tramp is getting a little tired of it.
Ron: I only gamble for laughs.
Don: Me too. Last week I laughed away my car.
Mom: Did you have a good time at the zoo today, Junior?
Junior: Yes I did. Dad liked it too. Especially when one of the animals came in at twenty-to-one!
When Noah told the animals to go forth and multiply, why did the snakes disobey?
Because they were adders.
Nurse: Have your eyes been checked recently?
Patient: No, they've always been solid blue.
Boss: That man next to you is doing twice as much work as you are!
Joe: I know that, sir. I keep telling him, but he won't slow down!
Patient: My leg hurts.
Doctor: Have you had this pain before?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: Well, you've got it again.
Thief: Stick 'em down!
Cashier: Don't you mean stick 'em up?
Thief: Oh! No wonder I haven't made any money today!
Jake: I've formed a new musical quartet with three other carpenters.
Ed: What do you call yourselves?
Jake: The Tuba Fours.
Mike: I hear that you went fishing last week. Did you get anything?
Sid: Yep. Sunburned and mosquito bites.
Paul: You're welcome to stay with me overnight, but you'll have to make your own bed.
Saul: That's no problem.
Paul: OK, here's a hammer and saw.
Did you hear about the guy who's in Leavenworth because he was making big money?
Yep, about a third of an inch too big.
A patient scheduled to undergo mouth surgery confided his most horrible fears to a nurse. "Will I die? Will I be disfigured? I don't know what's going to happen," he said to her.
"Don't worry," the pretty nurse said. "Your surgeon is a specialist and you'll receive the best of care."
"You're right," the patient responded. "I'll probably laugh about my fears after the surgery."
"Laugh?" the nurse scoffed. "With no lips?"
The M.D. got a call from a very excited woman. "Doctor! Doctor! My dog just swallowed 30 Bufferins. What should I do?"
The doctor answered, "Give him a headache."
Did you hear about the very nervous surgeon that was just fired from the hospital down city? It wasn't so much all of the patients he lost as much as it was the deep gashes he kept leaving in the operating table.
And then there was the very rich socialite who sent her pet poodle to Berlitz to learn a foreign language. Her friends all said, "Don't be foolish. A dumb animal can't learn a foreign language."
The dog looked up, arched his back and said, "Meow!"
A poodle and a shaggy boxer found themselves sharing a kennel while their respective owners went on vacation. On the second day, the Boxer asked the Poodle for her name. The Poodle replied that her name was FiFi and then asked the Boxer for his name. "I'm not sure," replied the energetic dog, "but I think it's Downboy!"
What meal do cannibals make from politicians?
Bologna sandwiches.
What kind of party did the friends of the female vampire give her before her wedding?
A blood bath.
How do cannibals cook politicians?
In a crock pot!
As a golfer teed up at precisely his reserved time, he was tapped on the shoulder. The intruder handed him a note which read, "I am deaf and mute. Please let me play through."
"This is MY tee-off time," the golfer bellowed, shaking his head vigorously. "Your handicap doesn't entitle you to play through!" Then he proceeded to drive his ball straight down the fairway.
"Nice shot," the fellow's caddie said as they headed off the tee, leaving the deaf-mute fuming.
While lining up his next shot, the golfer was struck on the head by a ball.
Turning around angrily, he spotted the deaf-mute holding up his hand. "What is he doing?" asked the golfer, squinting into the sun.
"I believe he's holding up four fingers," the caddie replied!
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer can take his wing-tips off.
How do relgious fanatics chase away agnostic neighbors?
They burn question marks on their lawn.
Did you ever wonder - most nights we go to bed when we aren't a bit sleepy, but we get up the next morning and we're dead tired?
John: I get very nervous the way you drive around those sharp turns.
Sue: Just do what I do - close your eyes!
Joe: My father had two horses that looked so much alike that he measured them so he could tell them apart.
Ed: Did that help?
Joe: It sure did. He found that the white one was 6 inches shorter than the black one.
Joe: You're looking for a new cashier? I thought you'd just hired one!
Edna: I did - that's the one I'm looking for!
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You'd take your shoes off first to jump on a trampoline!
Why was the new shortstop like Cinderella?
He ran away from the ball.
Little League Vampire: What's the best way to hold a bat, Dad?
Father Vampire: By the wings, son.
It was the new pitcher's first game on the mound, and he was not having a good day. After his third straight walk, the manager came out to the mound.
"That's enough," said the manager. "I'm bringing in a relief pitcher."
"But, look who's up to bat," said the pitcher. "The last time this guy was up, I struck him out!"
"I know," replied the manager, "but that was this same inning!"
Doctor: What happened to you?
Patient: I went camping with a baseball player.
Doctor: What's that got to do with your black eye?
Patient: I told him to pitch the tent, and he did!
What is a pigskin for?
To hold a pig together.
How is an airline pilot like a football player?
They both like to make safe touchdowns.
What should a fullback do when he gets a handoff?
Go to a secondhand store.
Why did the football player do a commercial for shampoo?
He was troubled by split-ends.
What's green, has bumps and plays football?
The Green Bay Pickles.
Dad: How'd you do in the game today, son?
Son: I made a ninety-two yard run.
Dad: That's terrific!
Son: Not really. I couldn't catch the guy I was chasing.
What's black and white and sticky all over?
A referee who fell in the sugar bowl.
What is a cheerleader's favorite color?
Yeller.
What's black and white and green all over?
A referee that fell in the Gator Bowl.
Only 13 seconds were left in the big football game. The home team was ahead by three points and had possession of the ball. The quarterback threw a pass to one of the first year receivers who caught it, then dropped it. The opposing team recovered the ball and went on to score the winning touchdown.
Asked how he felt about the defeat, the losing coach said, "Well, that's how the rookie fumbles!"
Jack: How'd you break your arm?
Zed: I was playing football with a telephone booth.
Jack: What?
Zed: Yeah - I was trying to get my quarter back!
Why was Cinderella such an awful basketball player?
Because she had a pumpkin for a coach.
Why did the retired basketball player become a judge?
So he could stay on the court.
What is Wilt the Stilt's middle name?
The.
Reproter: Do you like all of your players to be tall coach?
Basketball Coach: A player's height isn't important to me as long as his ears pop when he sits down.
Teacher: Johnny, name the four seasons.
Johnny: Football, basketball, baseball and soccer.
Fan (arriving late): What's the score?
Friend: Eight to five.
Fan: Who's winning?
Friend: Eight.
First fan: Did you hear about the wrestler whose nose ran and feet smelled?
Second fan: No, what was wrong with him?
First fan: He was built upside down!
Manager to wrestler: How'd you ever get out of that hold he had you in?
Wrestler: Well, I saw this finger sticking out, so I bit it. Then I got really mad because my finger hurt so bad!
Manager: Would you like to join me in a cup of coffee?
Wrestler: Gosh, Coach, I don't think we'll both fit!
Is it proper to eat a hamburger with your fingers?
No - you should eat your fingers separately.
Where do hamburgers go on New Year's Eve?
To a meat ball.
How do you make meat loaf?
Send it on vacation.
How many brunettes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but she's got all Saturday night alone to do it.
Did you hear about the boy that does bird impressions?
He eats worms...
A country boy was being interviewed for a job on a neighbor's farm. "Ya gotta be fit to work on my farm," said the farmer. "Have ya had any illnesses?"
"Nope," said the boy.
"Have ya had any accidents?"
"Nope."
"But you walked in here on crutches," said the farmer. "Surely you musta had an accident?"
"Oh, that! I were tossed by a bull last week, but 'twarn't no accident - he done it on purpose!"
Pat and Mike bought two horses at a sale in County Cork, but the two horses looked so much alike that Pat said to Mike, "How are we gonna tell whose horse is whose?"
"We'll bob the tail of one of "em," said Mike.
By mistake the tails on both horses were bobbed, so Pat asked Mike what he thought they should do now.
"I'm going to need to think on this one," said Mike. "Until I can figure out what to do, you take the white one and I'll take the black."
I call my dog camera because he's always snapping.
My neighbor has a neurotic dog. I think it's because he named his dog Stay. Every afternoon I hear the guy calling, "Here, Stay. Here, Stay!"
What do you do with a dog with no legs? Take him for a drag.
What do you call a dog with no legs? Nothing - he can't come anyway.
Did you hear about the kid that was so ugly his parents had to tie a pork chop around his neck to get the dog to play with him?
A huge lion was roaring his way through the thick jungle when he came upon a mouse in his way. He stopped and snarled at the small animal ferociously, "You're very small."
"Well," said the mouse piteously, "I've been quite ill!"
"Dad, what would happen if I stole that little pony over there?"
"You'd go to prison, son."
"You wouldn't forget to feed him while I was gone, would you?"
"Mom, do you water a horse when he's thirsty?"
"That's right."
"Then I'm going to milk the cat."
"Louisa, did you change the water in the goldfish bowl yet?"
"No, Mom. They haven't finished drinking what's in there yet."
"My dog's got no nose!"
"That's too bad. How does he smell?"
"Terrible!"
"Have you ever seen a man-eating tiger?"
"No, but in a restaurant one day I saw a man eating chicken!"
Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side in an accident?
Now he's all right!
How did the leper stop the card game?
He threw his hand in.
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
The wheelchair.
An old man went to the doctor.
"Doctor," he said, "you've got to help me. Every morning at 6, I pass water and move my bowels."
"So, what's wrong with that?" queried the doctor.
"You don't understand. I don't get up until 9."
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Why did they have to call off the leper's hockey game?
There was a face-off in the corner.
How do you get a hanky to dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
Did you hear about the new line of designer jeans called "Crisco"?
They're for the woman with a little fat in the can.
How many redneck's does it take to eat a possum?
Three. One to eat the possum and two to watch for cars.
Joe: I paid my income taxes this morning.
Ed: Oh yeah? How'd it go?
Joe: Okay, I guess. The only thing I can compare it to is the way a cow must feel just after milking time.
Jim: So, Sam, how'd you do in Las Vegas?
Sam: Very well! I went there in a $10,000 automobile and came home in a $20,000 bus.
What do you get if you cross a karate expert with a pig?
A pork chop.
Why did the basketball wear a bib?
So it wouldn't dribble.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.
What do you get when you cross a computer with a track-and-field star?
A floppy discus thrower.
If Elvis were to appear on stage tomorrow, how would he do?
He'd stink.
Two nuns were driving down a desolate highway when they ran out of remembered that they had passed a gas station just a few miles back so they started the tiresome walk back. Once back at the gas station, the nuns explained their problem and asked for some gas and a can to put it in. The attendant explained that they no longer loaned out gas cans as travelers so often failed to return them. The nuns asked him if he had any suggestions and the gas jockey pointed to a trash heap out behind the garage, suggesting that the nuns might find something there in which to carry the fuel back to their car.
After rummaging through the trash for quite some time, the only thing the nuns could find in which to put some gas was an old baby's training potty.
Filling the potty with gas, they made the long walk back to their car.
About this time, a drunk happened along and saw this sight on the side of the road. He slammed on the brakes, slid to a stop, jumped out and staggered over to the nuns. Not saying a word, he watched as they poured from the potty into the tank.
Just as the nuns were about to start the car, the drunk straightened up and exclaimed..."Lordie me, Sisters - you sure got more faith than I got!"
A moron working on a road crew was instructed by his foreman to dig a hole next to the roadway. "But, what will I do with the dirt?" asked the moron.
"Don't be stupid," said his boss. "just dig another hole and bury it!"
A lady is playing the piano in her lving room when there comes a knock on the door. Opening the door, the lady discovers a man in coveralls, carrying a tool box. "Yes?" she responds questioningly.
I'm the piano tuner," he replies.
"But, I didn't call for a piano tuner."
"I know. Your neighbors did."
The boss calls his new employee into his office. "I'm giving you a week's notice. You're fired."
"But I haven't done anything," complained the worker.
"I know," said the boss, "and that's why you're fired."
What are hippies for?
To keep your leggies up.
What goes up a drainpipe down, but can't go down a drainpipe up?
An umbrella.
Why couldn't they sell soda-pop at the double-header?
Because the home-team lost the opener.
Ron: Mom, is it correct to say that we're going to "water the horse" when we want to give him a drink?
Mom: Yes, Son, why do you ask?
Ron: Because I'm going to milk the cat.
What did the lion say to his friend when he saw two hunters drive by in a Jeep?
"Aha! Meals on wheels!"
First kid: I've lost my dog.
Second kid: Why not put an ad in the paper?
First kid: Don't be silly. He can't read.
Man at an auction to auctioneer: I've bid a great deal of money for this parrot. Are you sure he talks?
Auctioneer: Of course. Who do you think has been bidding against you?
Mom: Louisa, have you changed the water in the fish bowl?
Louisa: No, Mom, they haven't finished what's in there yet.
First man: Have you ever seen a man eating tiger?
Second man: No, but in a restaurant once, I saw a man eating chicken!
All the animals in the jungle decided to form themselves into football teams and play a knockout competition. Over a period of several months, dozens and dozens of teams played each other until the great day dawned or the final match to decide the championship. It was a fast, hard-hitting game. Thousands of animals from miles and miles around had gathered to watch the great event and everyone was shouting with excitement.
The score was seven all and time was running out when Alexander Ant went scorching down the middle. It looked as if he was just about to score when Elias Elephant, from the defending team, squashed Alexander flat as a pancake. The referee - Claude Camel - blew his whistle and came running over.
"You've killed him!" he said to Elias. "That means a penalty - and I'll have to send you out of the game."
"But, I didn't mean to kill him," pleaded the distraught elephant. "I was just trying to trip him!"
First boy: Would you like to play with our new dog?
Second boy: I don't know. He looks kinda fierce - does he bite?
First boy: I'm not sure - that's what I'm trying to find out!
First boy: We just got a dog!
Second boy: What's your new dog's name?
First boy: I don't know - he won't tell me!
A man went into a pet shop to buy a parrot. He was shown an especially fine one which he liked the look of, but he was puzzled by the two strings, one tied to each foot.
"What are they for?" he asked the pet shop owner.
"Ah, well," came the reply, "that's a very unusual feature of this particular parrot. You see - he's a trained parrot - used to be in a circus. If you pull the string on his right foot, he says 'Hello!' and if you pull the string on his left foot, he says 'Good-bye'!"
"That's very interesting," said the customer. "And what if I pull both strings at the same time?"
The parrot screeched, "I fall off my perch, you damn fool!"
The patient is in the doctor's office, obviously distraught. "Doctor, my hair is falling out. Can you give me something to keep it in?"
The doctor responded, "How about a paper bag?"
The doctor is speaking to one of his patients on the phone. "So, how is that cold of yours doing? Did you take the hot bath and the medicine I prescribed for you?"
The patient responds, "Well, I'm not doing too good, Doc. I took the hot bath you recommended, but by the time I finished that, I didn't have any room for the medicine."
Joe: My doctor told me to give up golf?
Jim: Why? Bad heart?
Joe: No. He looked at my scorecard.
As the doctor approached the young boy to give him an injection, the boy cried out.
"What's the matter?" asked the doctor. "I haven't even touched you yet."
"You're standing on my foot!"
A near-sighted man went to the doctor for advice about his vision and the doctor told him to eat eight carrots a day. The guy came back to the doctor three months later to complain about the diet.
"Last night, said the patient, "I went out to my garden. It was very dark and I fell down and sprained my arm."
"Couldn't you see well enough?" asked the doctor.
"I could see just fine - I tripped over my ears."
Doctor: Please - step on the scales. Look here on the chart. You're overweight.
Patient (pointing to a different place on the chart): No, I'm not. I'm just 6 inches too short!
This guy goes to the doctor because he's not sleeping too well. After examining him, the doctor advises him that he's suffering from stress and that he should go away for two weeks for some change and some rest. So the guy goes away for two weeks, then returns to report in to the doctor.
"Well," asked the doctor, "did the change and rest do you any good?"
"Not much," said the disgruntled patient. "The doorman got my change and the hotel got the rest!"
A doctor had been attending the town's oldest, wealthiest resident for several years. One day it became apparent that the old geezer didn't have long to live and accordingly, the doctor advised his patient to get his affairs in order.
"Oh, yes," said the old man. "I've done all that. And do you know what I'm going to do with my money? I'm going to leave it to the doctor that saves my life..."
Doctor: Did you take my advice about your insomnia? Did you count sheep?
Patient: Yes I did. I counted to 482,354.
Doctor: And then did you fall asleep?
Patient: No, it was time to get up!
One Saturday a small boy entered the confessional and told the priest that he had thrown peanuts in the river. The priest thought this was a strange little sin to confess to, but said nothing. The next small boy to come to the priest also confessed to throwing peanuts in the river, as did a third child. Finally a very small boy came in, and the priest said, "So tell me, did you throw peanuts in the river too?"
"No, Father," said the child. "I am Peanuts."
Did you hear about the cannibal on a diet? Now he only eats pygmies.
The barber is preparing to cut the young boy's hair. "So, how do you want your hair cut?" he asked.
"Just like Daddy's," said the youth. "With a hole in the top."
Has it struck you that no matter how short girl's skirts get, they'll always be above two feet?
Mom: Who was that at the door?
Junior: The Invisible Man.
Mom: Tell him I can't see him.
An angel in heaven was welcoming a new arrival. "And how did you get here,
Mr. Brown?"
Mr. Brown replied, "Flu..."
A kind-hearted old-lady saw a little girl standing outside the school doors crying. "What's the matter, Miss?" asked the lady.
"Rheumatism," replied the student.
"Rheumatism? At your age?"
"Yes," replied the little girl. "I failed the test because I couldn't spell it!"
A passerby stopped to talk to a fisherman. "Is this river any good for fish?"
"Must be," said the fisherman. "I can't get any of them to leave it!"
Vegetarian (bragging to friend): I've live on vegetables for years!
Friend: That's nothing. I've lived on earth all my life!
A boy was sitting on a street corner fishing in a bucket of water. A little-old-lady passing by took pity on the boy and gave him a quarter.
"How many have you caught today?" she asked with a smile.
The boy looked up, smiled back and said, "You're the seventh."
Jim: I'm glad I wasn't born in France.
Ed: Why?
Jim: I can't speak a word of French.
As the judge said to the dentist, "Do you promise to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth, so help you?"
Customer: May I try on that blue suit in the window?
Salesman: No, sir. You'll have to use the dressing room.
A man staying at a very posh hotel had gone to use the swimming pool. As he paused on the upper-most diving board, arms raised, an attendant screamed out, "Don't dive!! There's no water in the pool!"
"That's okay," the visitor declared. "I can't swim!"
Jim: They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Ed: Why not?
Jim: They're long enough already!
Jim: My Uncle's got a wooden leg.
Ed: That's nothing. My Aunt has a wooden chest.
Ed: I wonder how I got this flat tire?
Jim: Maybe it was that last fork in the road?
A husband and wife had just arrived at the airport, parked the car in the closest spot which was several hundred yards away from the entrance and pulled and carried all of their luggage into the terminal, when the husband stopped and sighed. "I wish I'd brought the piano with us," he muttered.
"Why?" asked his wife. "Because I've left the plane tickets on it."
Jim: This match you gave me won't light.
Ed: That's funny. It did this morning.
Jim: A loud noise woke me up very early this morning.
Ed: Oh, yeah? What was that?
Jim: The crack of dawn.
What's the difference between a bachelor and a married man?
The first kisses the misses - the second misses the kisses.
Policeman: Why'd you run away after you hit your ball through Ed's window?
Jim: Because I couldn't stand to see it go through all that pane!
What's black and white and green all over?
A referee that fell in the Gator Bowl.
Did you hear about the new line of designer jeans called "Crisco"?
They're for the woman with a little fat in the can.
What's green and ice skates?
Peggy Phlegm.
What's green and slides down hospital walls?
Mucus Welby.
What's green and flew over Germany?
Snotzies.
Three degrees below zero.
What's red and white and lives in a test tube?
Bozo the clone.
Jennifer: Are you coming to my party?
Sandra: No, I ain't going.
Jennifer: Now, you know what the teacher told us. Not "ain't." It's 'I am not going, he is not going, she is not going and they are not going.'
Sandra: Isn't anyone going?
Jim: My brother just opened a store.
Ed: Sounds great. What's he doing?
Jim: Six months. He opened it with a crowbar.
A man went into a butcher shop and saw a man hanging by one arm from the center of the ceiling. "What's he doing there?" he asked the butcher.
"Oh, pay no attention," said the butcher. "He thinks he's a lightbulb."
"Well, why don't you tell him he isn't?" asked the startled customer.
"What? And work in the dark?"
Or how about the new book, "How I Got Rich Quick," by Robin Banks.
The hunchback of Notre Dame wanted to go on a vacation, so he asked the bishop for some time off. "But, who will ring the bell?" asked the bishop.
"I don't know," said Quasimodo. "All I know is that I really need a vacation. Can you find a temporary replacement?"
So the bishop put a help wanted ad outside the cathedral. At first, no one seemed to be interested in ringing the bell for the two weeks, but on the day before Quasimodo was scheduled to leave for the south of France, two men walked into the bishop's office. They were identical except for the fact that one of the men had no arms.
"I'd like to ring the bell while Quasimodo is on vacation," said the man with arms. "My brother here will take over for me on Sundays, as I go to mass at Chartres."
The bishop was desperate for a replacement, so he decided to give the men a try. He took the brothers to the bell tower and invited them to ring the bell. The first brother grabbed the bell rope and gave it a pull. Off went the bell - a beautiful clear tone. Excited, the man ran over to embrace his brother. "We've got the job!" he yelled. In his excitement, the man bumped the guard rail which, being old, gave way. The bishop heard a sickening thud as the man hit the ground far below.
"Well, I guess I'd better give it a try," said the armless brother.
"Be serious," said the bishop. "You can't ring that bell!"
"Look, your Holiness, you should at least give me a chance. Look at it this way - it's your last opportunity to find a replacement for Quasimodo."
The bishop agreed, reluctantly, and the armless man took a good running start, flinging himself at the famous bell. He hit face first and the huge bell swung with a loud clang. Unfortunately, the force of the swinging bell knocked the man off the top of the bell tower. The bishop heard a thud as the man hit the ground, and he ran to call a doctor.
When the doctor arrived, he did a quick examination of both men. He pronounced the first one dead, and the armless man alive, but unconscious.
"Who is this man?" asked the doctor pointing to the armelss guy.
"I don't know," said the bishop, "but his face sure rings a bell."
"And who's the other guy?" the doctor queried.
"Don't know that one either," said the bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother!"
Did you hear about the fat lady that went on a diet, eating only coconuts and bananas? She didn't lose much weight, but man, could she climb trees!
A well-dressed man, his nose slightly in the air, stepped out of the hotel and snapped at the doorman, "You, there! Call me a cab."
"Yes, sir!" fired back the sarcastic doorman. "You are a cab."
A lady goes into a shop and says to the salesman, "I'd like a fur coat please."
"What fur?" queried the salesman.
"Why, to keep myself warm, of course!"
Jim: I got fired from my job last week.
Ed: What for?
Jim: For good.
Teacher: Where did John Hancock sign the Declaration of Independence?
Jim: At the bottom.
Why did the orange stop rolling?
Because it ran out of juice.
What did the elephant say to elephant hunter?
Tusk, tusk.
A rabbit enters a hardware store (ding-a-ling) and hops over to the counter (hippity-hop). "Good morning. Do you have any carrots?" he asks the clerk.
"No, you stupid rabbit," says the clerk. "This is a hardware store. We don't sell carrots here." "Oh, so sorry," replied the rabbit, hoping out of the store (hippity-hop).
The next day, the rabbit goes into the hardware store again (ding-a-ling) (hippity-hop). "Good morning. Do you have any carrots?"
"You're the same stupid rabbit that came in here yesterday and I told you this was a hardware store! If you EVER come in here again, I'll... I'll...
I'll NAIL YOUR EARS TO THE COUNTER!"
"Oh, so sorry." (Hippity-hop.) The next day, the rabbit comes into the store again (ding-a-ling) (hippity-hop). "Good morning. Do you have any nails?"
"No, I'm sorry. There's been a shortage of nails lately."
"Oh, well, in that case... do you have any carrots?"
Why did the blonde put lipstick on her head?
So that she could make up her mind!
A guy gets drunk at a party, so his friends call a cab to take him home. Once in the cab, the drunk starts to tell the cabby about his life: how lonely he's been since his wife left him, how hard his job is, how no one appreciates him. "You seem like a nice guy," he says to the cabby.
"Yeah," says the cabby indifferently.
"What do you say? Do you think there's room in the front seat for a pizza and a couple of six- packs?"
The driver thinks about it, then responds, "Sure, why not?"
"Gee, thanks," says the drunk, leans over the partition and throws up.
The story goes that Winston Churchill was once cornered at a party by a stuffy old biddy by the name of Lasy Astor. She was getting on to him about his excessive drinking and had finally said one thing too many. Churchill, ever the diplomat, looked her in the eye and said, "Madam, you are correct...I am drunk...but you are ugly. And in the morning, I will be sober...
When is a door not a door?
When it is ajar.
When is a car not a car?
When it turns into a parking lot.
What is yellow and very dangerous?
Shark-infested custard.
Jim: My brother was arrested for stealing 200 yards of elastic.
Ed: Did he get caught?
Jim: Yeah. They put him away for a good long stretch."
A very stout old-woman was standing at a street corner when a boy in a scout uniform came up and stood beside her. "Young man," she said, "would you see me acoss the street?"
"Lady," replied the scout, "I would see you a mile away!"
Jim: I got a set of drums for Christmas. Best present I ever got.
Ed: Why?